Time for a stocktake......

Well it certainly has been a bizarre, stimulating, exciting, scary, inspiring time since the 6th February...

A weighty update...

I have just realised that I haven't mentioned my rather amazing loss of weight. A total of 34Kg!!!

I have rediscovered my femininity and with that has brought an enjoyable 'getting to know' myself and how I now look situation. (thanks to some delightful compliment driven prompting from a gorgeous friend to hold my head up and be proud of who I am and how I look)

I am still trying to wrap my head around being able to wear clothing that doesn't resemble a tent haaahahahah.

It has been YEARS since I actually spent time pampering myself taking proper care of myself.....and I have never done it with such pride before in my entire life!!!

LOVIN ITTTTTT :)

Brushes the dust and cobwebs off...

The title is in reference to my lack of posts in the past few weeks. Lots of stuff happening and my brain wasn't ready to be utilised in a blogging manner.

Day 109.....and it is a tuffy....

I have gone into lock-down mode. Confusion has set in and it brought fear, doubt, and distrust with it!

The power of words......

Well I have made the 100 day mark!!!! Wow!!

I am now facing lil sneaky voices in my head whispering...'look you have gone 100 days...you could have just one glass of wine with dinner and be fine...'  But I KNOW I won't be fine at all. Sooo there will be no wine drinking by me....but that voice is there....all the time

Panning for gold............

I can remember as a kid going to Sovereign Hill when it first opened in Ballarat and learning how to pan for gold. The steady rythmic swirling of the pan as you wash away layer after layer of rubbish until you are left with only a spattering of silt and if you are lucky GOLD!!!

It's all in the timing....

I am sitting here chuckling to myself at the 'goings on' since my last post.

If I put it all in a time line, it goes like this...

Battle weary...but not quite ready to lay down arms just yet...

My last post has led me to yet another new place...one that I am not sure I am going to enjoy...but has to be experienced never the less.

Wise old sayings....

Mum used to always say..."Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see"...now it appears the phrase was originally coined by Benjamin Franklin...however I don't have him sitting on my shoulder all the time LOL.

62 DAYS!!!!

Two months sober!!! FANTASTIC :)

It seems like such a short time when I type it, and yet in other ways it seems like a Decade! It has taken this amount of time to reach my current place, one where I am so much calmer, oh and thinner of course lol ( I have now lost a total of 21KG!!!

The continuing saga of....."The Rash!".... AND 'Clanger of the Week'...

It was 'visit the Dermatologist' day today for my monthly visit. I am so lucky....for it is not just your basic rampant plaque psoriasis I have.....IT IS THREE DIFFERENT TYPES AT ONCE!!!!! Ahh yes.....my glorious body....not content with a basic rash...has decided to punish me for abusing it for so long LOL.

Ahhhh Friday.....

I feel like I am a Thousand years old tonight. Soooo tired.

It seems that physical work and activity doesn't wear me out, its the mental, emotional stuff that does. I had to have a small ride on the merry go round of decision making the other day...all in all it amounted to 24 hours of flashbacks and old fears all smashing into my newfound peace and comfort with myself.

50 Days.........

Wow.....50 whole days dry!!!!!

It has flown really...so I must be having fun LOL. I must say I like the new me a lot!!!!

*Pats self on the back repeatedly*

'Clanger' of the Week.....

It has been a busy week filled with work of varying sorts. I was blessed to visit my favorite part of the whole world on Tuesday...the Grampians in Victoria. One of my clients lives at the foot of Mount Sturgeon in Dunkeld. It is such a magical place for me...

Sunday, ahh what a great weekend...

I am sure I am ruled by the moon. And Saturday night's 'Supermoon' had to have been partly responsible for such an emotive week for me. Well...it's a nice mystical sounding theory hahhaa.

T.G.I.F......

I have to say that for various reasons...the past week was a GIANT struggle.

I have spent many hours trying to figure out what the hell made it so difficult but there is no one thing....in fact at times it seemed like EVERYTHING was just shit.

Medication change...

Well just as I thought, my intake of alcohol was a form of self medication...and my prescribed medication levels were calculated based around that drinking.  The proof of that is the past week.

Energy to burn...........

The past few days have been filled with me enclosing the back patio so my cat can't escape.

I am quite certain that if I was still drinking it would never have eventuated. So WOOHOO for me yet again!!

LOLLLLL.....computers

The past 45 minutes was spent with my usual spontaneous typing of my thoughts of the day...

I Have Changed...

I have changed
I am different

21 days...

Ahh Sunday.  Wow 21 days...and the time seems to have flown really.

Back to work tomorrow....woohoo.....bring on the rest of the year!!!!

I AM LOVING LIFE :)

Old Habits....

I am amazed!! Despite me not having had any alcohol for 19 days....I STILL think of myself as being over the limit for driving.

For so long I would plan my day around having all driving done by 4.00pm.....

Creativity Unleashed....

I don't quite understand why, but I seem to be having a 'tidal wave' of creativity wash over me.

A satisfying sound....

I picked up my 'Dollar Tin' today and was very pleased to feel a bit of weight in it....and I must say the sound of  the 17 dollar coins rattling around brought an instant smile to my face.

The Definition of Insanity...

About a month ago I heard someone give the definition of insanity. I can't remember if it was on TV or what, but it did stick in my head. I had heard it before....but as they say....'when the student is ready, the teacher appears'.

Dreams, wishes and goals....

Everybody has them.....but not everybody makes them happen.

As a child I was obsessed with music, and singing, and writing songs. I would literally lock myself in my bedroom.....crank up the 'record player' to full volume....grab the microphone stand

And so week 3 begins...

Well I have been sitting here for half an hour....trying to think what to write. My mind seems to be quite relaxed....so much so that it has reached a type of zen state LOL.

Day 14...

Sunday.....ahhh....a day of relaxation.

To celebrate my second week.....I am going to reward myself by putting a color through my hair :) I particularly like

Tactile Comfort.....

I learned a technique to help with panic attacks several years ago. It was quite effective strangely enough and it would appear my brain is seeking the comfort of it again. The tecnique involves touch.

I used to walk into shopping centres and totally freak out.

24 Hours in a day...

I found myself pondering yesterday about the fact that time seemed to be passing soooo slowly. I mean the days seem longer....and then it dawned on me...it's the first time for YEARS that I am actually AWARE and cognitive ALL THE TIME!!!

Differing reactions.......

It quite interesting receiving the different responses from people when I tell them I am not drinking anymore. I find myself wondering what demons others face.

A fortunate symptom......

Ok....so its been 10 days dry. Woohooo.

I have noticed a FANTASTIC side effect from not drinking.....WEIGHT LOSS!!!!

Yesssss......I have lost 6kg!!!!!

The Pub....

Well I decided today was as good a day as any to go for lunch to the pub. I found myself staring at the bloody bottles on the shelves and imagining how good it would all taste

Second Monday sober....

The start of week 2...I am so proud of myself :)

On the Seventh Day.....

Well I have made it through my first week!! Yayyyyyyy Me.

So the specialist has confirmed the following: yes it is psoriasis, yes it is bad, yes it is affected by my liver function, and the least favourable point she made was....yes it is going to be difficult to treat...joy oh bliss.
Bloodtests on Monday, another cream to add to the one I already use and go back and see her in 3 weeks.

Ahhh Saturday.....Specialist Day

Stayed home last night and a friend came over. I swear my sides are sore from laughing lol..and didn't crave a drink at all. This despite my friend being 'smashed' lol.

Challenge met and won!!!

Well....last night was my first exposure to old habits. A friend came round with a six pack of beer, its a regular occurance once or twice a week. However, I happily sipped my fruit juice n diet cola the whole time.

$4.00 in the jar so far....

I have a large jar....which has $4 in it...each dollar represents a day with no alcohol. Each time I reach 6 months sobriety...I am allowed to spend the money on pampering myself. A facial, new haircut, manicure (if my damn fingernails ever recover), you know girlie stuff.

The beginning of day 3...

Hmm I am noticing I am sleeping better. Quite strange to think a week ago the only way I could get to sleep was after several glasses of 'Chateaux De Cardboard' wine...

39 Hours and counting....

39 hours and no booze!!! It is a voluntary decision, prompted by what started of as a subconscious whisper of "I need to stop drinking'...and has now suddenly materialised as action.

I have recognised the trigger...not the doctor telling me over a year ago that my liver was shall we say 'compromised'...not the bloated gut and bloodshot eyes...not the blackouts and memory loss...not the weekly squashing down of the recycling wheelie bin lid to close it and the subsequent clattering of bottles and casks...no it all came down to a rash, which turned into some rampant itching burning disfiguring psoriasis on the soles of my feet and palms of my hands and various other limbs and even caused my fingernails to almost fall out.

Now I am yet to see the specialist, that is happening on Saturday, however having googled my fingers to the bone (no that is not the cause of the fingernail problem lol) I notice repeated references to liver problems being associated with it all. So after bathing in the throws of a hypermanic bipolarised thought-fest for 3 days, the end result is actually one that is kind to myself and life prolonging. ( A far cry from such events in the past which generally resulted in a plethora of substance abuse and hysteria and even hospitalisation)

So begins a new direction in life...