Panning for gold............

I can remember as a kid going to Sovereign Hill when it first opened in Ballarat and learning how to pan for gold. The steady rythmic swirling of the pan as you wash away layer after layer of rubbish until you are left with only a spattering of silt and if you are lucky GOLD!!!


Well I am panning for gold in my self. I have found enough in the last 90 days of sobriety to indicate that there is a large source within. Wow...as I am typing this my heartrate has just kicked up a notch...this too is a part of my bounty. Noticing these little physical reactions and then finding their source.

During the past week I have had Three conversations with good friends, and in the midst of chatting I have been struck almost dumb with amazement at one revelation to myself or another. I say revelation because they were real 'light-bulb' moments.

The first was the realisation and verbalisation of the fact that despite YEARS of denial and dodging and weaving.....I actually do hold the dream of one day finding a life partner. I have tried to brush it off with jockularity and self sabotage because I never really thought I deserved it. Who the hell would want me? (Just typing that brought tears to my eyes...I have such empathy for that person.) So the panic began....the inner whirl of 'happy ever after' versus 'you will never have it'.  It resulted in a life time of failed relationships, bad choices, settling for way more than less all because I couldn't see ANY value in myself as a woman.

I am now torn whether to explain where this all began, because I now know...but the fact that I am hesitant is enough for me to leave it for another time.

The second was during a call from another friend who, with much sarcasm and irony coated comment, always manages to challenge me by cutting through any bullshit that I may be spewing LOL....and while describing the flirtatious fun I have been having lately he dropped the following bombshell..."here we go again, you get yourself sorted and along comes a bloke and you turn into some needy dependant mess who blindly goes along....etc etc." Thanks for the warning T....a voice of reason sitting on my shoulder....I appreciate it and love you for it. Hearing that was like a giant caution sign. Yep he is right that is what I have done all my life. Do I want to do it again?......NOOOOOOOO!

And finally number Three. Yesterday was the WORST day I have had for craving a drink! It seemed to come out of nowhere...but of course this is not the case...it came from deep within. Without warning during a convo with another good friend I uttered the following..."I know why I am so jittery and on edge. It's because this is the first time in my life since I was 14 where I have been sober and dealing with an attraction I have for someone. Sex is a reality again and I don't know how to handle it without booze!! I mean the first sexual encounter for me was against my will and at the hands of several...I fell straight into the bottle and stayed there." THE EXACT SECOND that I finished this sentence it felt as if the weight of the world floated off me!

There it was. Plain as day. Wow...

And so it begins again.....I have come full circle.....this should be a very interesting ride!