120 DAYS.....totally dry!!!

Almost one third of a year!

I am flying along on the wings of sobriety. No cravings, no urges for any alcohol at all and I am enjoying the clarity that this brings.

Unfortunately I have come down with some flu of sorts which has rendered me fatigued with total body aches. It is shitful. I have no energy at all, thinking is an effort let alone doing anything.

It has smashed my mood down to an uncomfortably low level, however, rather than wave the Bipolar flag, I am aware that even 'normal' people feel this way while suffering from this bug. It is not helped by the seemingly relentless communications that are coming my way from certain quarters who will not accept the changes I am choosing to make in my life.

I could write a totally separate blog about emotional connections and disconnects, but instead I can recognise that my drinking and emotional upheavals were firmly entwined. It is actually the source of my alcoholism. I reached for a 'drink' to soothe an emotional landslide at the age of 15, and that is where it began. You see it is one thing to have a drink or a few too many and end up drunk...but it is the 'reason' for having it that makes the difference between being an alcoholic or not. Well that is my opinion in any case.

Some see it as a rite of passage, of 'growing up', of being an adult or to fit in with your peers, to be socially accepted. That is our culture and it has been for hundreds of years. For some it may in fact start that way, but at some point, you pour another one because 'you have had a bad day' or 'you are sad' or 'everything is giving you the shits'. Sometimes you find that 'people start laughing at your jokes more' and you feel special, or that you 'fit in better'. That is when it can change.

My reason was that I felt totally out of control. I experienced a complete break down of trust in my whole world and as a teenager with no self esteem, could not process it at all. So I wanted to block it out...with whiskey. It worked as long as I kept the buzz going. Well so I thought, of course now I can see it just blurred it all into a maze of whirling thoughts that steadily increased speed until it was invisible to me.

Here I am now at the age of 53, looking back and recognising it and I want to reach out to that young girl, who felt lost and alone, abandoned and confused and tell her that I care. Sadly for so long I didn't. I didn't care because it felt like the ones I depended upon didn't either. This manifested into my deep seated belief that I wasn't worth caring about. How sad is that!! But it's true.

Fortunately I care now. I care about me. I want the best for me. I forgive me. I accept me. I like me.

111 Days.....still going okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today marks 111 days.

The last weekend was the AFL Grand Final weekend and or the first time in 111 days I allowed alcohol into my home. I do regret it as its presence seeped into the backblocks of my brain-box and by this morning I was having the biggest booze cravings I have ever had. It brought with it flashbacks to dark times, self loathing, not good shit at all...queue the PTSD type reactions that are associated with it all.

Last night I was over emotional, edgy, and so upped the dose of my night med to hopefully let me sleep well, given my state, and even with them (they normally knock me off my arse and drag me into sleep within half an hour, only to leave me with a med hangover for hours the next day after at least 12 hours sleep)....even with them, I still couldn't drift off until after midnight and was awake at 8.

I then was invited to lunch, which normally doesn't worry me, however I said no. I explained why I couldn't go, because I would only sit there listening to the voices in my head argue over the harm or lack of harm only one glass would have, and ultimately this would amp up the jitters within me.

The minute I hung up the phone, after declining the invite....I felt it....the cloud lifted...the weight was gone...and it was replaced by relative calm.

What have I taken from this experience? Firstly, good on me for recognising what was happening to me...Secondly, good on me for protecting my intentions so well and honestly....and Thirdly, good on me for my choice to not add to what was happening within.

There are no more grand finals now...nor are there occasions special enough to warrant my 'dry house' rule to be lifted. My life, my way is my motto...my home, my rules is my law.

Maybe one day I will be able to allow this 'dry house' to be dampened by others drinking if they want to....but not yet... I AM NOT READY...and I guess if the people I invite aren't happy with that, then they don't have to come in....its okay by me. Each to their own, and me to mine :)

100 DAYSSSSSSSSSSS..... that's right...ONE HUNDRED DAYS :)

Well here I am.....another milestone reached....yippeeeee!!!

As an exercise, I read my 100 day post from 2011 this morning....wow...I am in a totally different place inside this time. You see back then, I was relying on 'other people' to make me feel worthy, or viable. This is a dangerous place to be and yet, quite understandable for one who despite the bravado was totally insecure and had little self esteem.

So much has happened since then, and ironically the person who I had chosen to be the one to seek approval and acceptance from, was in fact the one who lead me back to where I am today...and sadly the journey was not what I hoped it would be.

I was vulnerable but couldn't see how much, my beacon at the time could see it...perfect bait. I took it hook line and sinker. My intentions were so full of hope and trust and love, and I am proud of being able to share that part of myself. I will never lose that, however I will raise the standards of requirement for anyone citing words of encouragement and the like in the future. The first person I must gauge in this manner is myself. I raise my own standards of what I want from myself and in my life. They do say that the change must start with us......well it is true. As Dr Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."

During the five years since my last attempt, I have had my trust shattered by several people who I believed to have my best interests at heart. They say a persons true colors are exposed in times of great upheaval or disaster and I have seen this and believe it is true. However, I accept that everyone is different, and when face with immense stress or sadness or fear, we all rely on whatever we have at the time to get through.

So I forgive them all really, and most of all, I forgive myself. I am certainly not perfect, and I certainly doubt anyone who says that they are haha. But I am brave enough to critique myself honestly, with love and compassion, which I so wish I could have done years ago.

Ahh but that would be too easy lol. To repeat a phrase that a dear friend and I often say..."you can't put an old head on young shoulders."

In any case, today is a HUGE celebration for me. 100 days...only another 21.3333 and I will have reached a third of a year :) I am damn proud of what I have done, and nothing and no-one can take it away from me. It is mine, I did it, I chose to do it, and I did it.

Whosagoodgirlllllllllllllllll?.......ME :)

96 DAYS.......and have not weakened even when faced with adversity!!!

Well...what a testing few weeks since my last post.

I have had someone close to me attempt suicide, then a local person, who although I didn't personally know him, I am close friends with one of his workmates, he sadly did commit suicide. It pained me so much to see how devastated she was, even more when I consider my own history and fortunate failed attempts of my own.

I wasn't ready for the subsequent trigger effect it was to have on me learning of these two events, not that I started having dark thoughts of my own, but it did drag me down into a mild depressive state for about 10 days. Fortunately, over the past 14 years since my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, and learning how to successfully live with it, I managed to ride it out and rise once again to a 'normal' level of functioning.

Now during this time, I wanted a drink. I wanted it bad. But I DID NOT succumb. YAYYYY MEEEEE!!

This win over my addiction has spurred me on to believe in myself in a way I never ever have before. I finally truly believe that I deserve goodness. I accept that I have totally fucked up many many times, but then hey, who hasn't?

Soooo, here I am nearing the 100 day mark....and its looking easy :)

74 days......still going so strong....

Well I am sitting here typing this with some amazement!!

Not to say that I doubted myself, but rather, I have surprised myself because the past week has been full of many many challenging situations. However, at no stage have I wanted a drink.

I have surprised myself because I have somehow managed to separate each event rather than having them all mixing up in my mind in a whirl of overwhelming emotions. I cannot remember a time ever in my life when this has been the case.

It is hard to put into words really. Suffice to say, I am actually aware of the need to care for my self in a way that protects my mind, body and soul, and as it is occurring I am marveling at how it feels.

The next few weeks are again going to be testing, and yet, I am ready to face whatever happens. I choose my battles now, and recognise that which I have no control over.

I need no luck, as I have confidence in myself at last!

59 dayssssssss.......not a drop to drink yay meeeeeeeeeee

Well here I am.....tomorrow is 60 days sober!!

I feel fantastic. Haven't felt tempted to take a sip, although was at a hotel a week ago at the bar to put a keno ticket on, and when the staff member came up...I almost asked for a chardy out of HABIT...LOLLLLLLL. not because I wanted one, but because it used to be the first words out of my mouth lol.

Adding to the pride I feel, I am now using a totally natural supplement daily which is totally AMAZING.

I have more energy, sleep better, feel happier, and best of all, due it this products anti inflammatory properties, have now weaned off Panadeine Forte to the point where I only need 2 at night before I go to bed. What an amazing thing considering up until last Xmas I was taking 10-12 (500mg tabs) per day!!!!

All in all life is going well. I am proud of myself, and loving life for the first time in years!!!

FRIDAY.....another week over

I am writing on a Friday instead of Monday this time.....and my language in this post is fairly abrupt and straight to the point!

Haven't even had one thought of drinking. Amazing. My life is too busy with planning, and goal setting and ticking off achievements.

I am realising that this is more than giving up alcohol, it is giving up  a mindset...and replacing it with a new one.

As I sort through events in my days, and the associated thoughts that accompany them, I find myself putting each one in either a 'Toss Out' box, A 'Keep' Box or a 'Sit It On the Shelf For Now' Box. I am de-cluttering my life.

I have no time for excuses...firstly from me and secondly from others. Bullshit does NOT have a place anymore. What other people do, say and think is NONE of my business, I really don't give a shit. Unless they are saying it TO me. And, if it falls into the 'bullshit' category...straight into the 'Toss Out' box it goes.

To put it in a vulgar sense, my arse is totally closed off from receiving ANY smoke which may be blown in that direction. I don't have time for wishy-washy blah blah blah anymore. I am busy. I am busy getting on with working on living.

My job is to make sure, I am healthy, happy, clear headed and focused on getting the MOST out of life. Not settling for 'almost' or 'nearly' any longer.

6 WEEKSSSSSSSSSSS........42 days.....still going strong :)

Well I have had a week full of FLU......YUCK.

I am starting to feel better, but really need to take it easy. The past two days I also noticed a pain in my side. During my last attempt of sobriety I developed Gall Bladder pain......and found out that it can be a common occurrence when stopping alcohol intake. Well it's back, no where near as severe as last time, but still uncomfortable. Fortunately my diet is full of healthy stuff. Fridge is full of veggies and fruit etc and I eat sensibly.

Over the weekend though, due to my feeling like absolute crap with this chest flu, I did consume pizza and a couple of pies which have obviously contributed to the gall bladder situation. I am determined to avoid surgery so my diet awareness is paramount. I am also drinking at least 1.5 litres of water with lemon slices each day, which is fantastic for flushing and hydrating the ole bod.

All in all I am extremely proud of myself for my 6 week achievement!!

And now as the flu symptoms are beginning to subside, my mood is once again bouncing back to a more acceptable level.  No one feels good when they are sick.

So as I begin week 7,  I am looking forward with a smile on my dial :)

35 days today!! Been an exciting week :)

5 weeks still going strong.

Yesterday was my birthday. 53 years old. And yes I did think about having 'just one glass'......BUT I chose not to. YAY MEEEEE :)

I considered which would feel better, being proud that I chose sobriety or feeling ashamed after having a glass and the ensuing justifications that I would throw around my mind and to others. Well...an easy choice when you think of it that way isn't it?

So I had a lovely lunch with a good friend, walked home in the freezing cold and then celebrated with a couple of Tim Tam biscuits and coffee. It was great!!

Earlier in the week I drove down to Warrnambool, to see the ocean. It was rough and rugged and absolutely beautiful, although I was amused at the amount of people choosing to chase invisible Pokemons around with their mobile phones rather than observe nature at its best. Oh well...to each their own I suppose. I have always been one to go out of my way to avoid bizarre new trends, which tends to lead to some rather fascinating responses from those who follow the masses. Seriously though, what is the big deal??

Of course I know what my problem is...I am OLDDDD.......LOL.....only in numerical terms however, my mind is stuck in my 40's and I like it there.

Usually I find an inspirational quote image to end with, however today, I am adding one of the photo's I took looking out over the ocean. It is a thing of beauty, the ocean whipped up by the winter winds, crashing against the rugged coastline....constantly moving and changing and affected by the forces of nature surrounding it....much like life.

4 weeks without a drop!

Hi, my name is Lee and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 4 weeks, which is 28 days!

AND I FEEL GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

25 dayssssssss.......awfully proud of myself :)

I am gliding along nicely. Have been to places that sell alcohol and not even thought about having any.

I have also decided that some things just aren't worth worrying about. Let it Be the Beatles sang and boy were they right. Sometimes it's difficult to jerk the thought patterns out of negative spaces and I accept that time and repetition will make this easier. After all, the more you do something, the more of an unconscious action becomes just that...an unconscious action.

I always try to remind myself that I am after all, only human and not some creature from another planet. I have human emotions and reactions just like anyone else and in this respect am not really special at all.

What does make me special though, is my individuality which for so very long I hated and mistrusted. Not anymore however. I embrace it. I admire it. I like it.

So I end the week on a high, despite the world revolving around me in turmoil. I am safe in the knowledge that I am growing and evolving rather than stuck in a place I didn't like. I am moving...FORWARD :)

19 Days....rewards are sweet

Yesterday was the first day I actually felt like a nice glass of chardonnay. I went through the 'process' as I call it. The thought process that is...

"Jeez I really would enjoy a glass of wine, just one."
"I know I would be satisfied with just one glass"
"I am going to meet Sandra at the Caledonian Hotel at 1, I could just buy a glass"
"One drink there wouldn't be that bad, I mean it's better than buying a bottle and bringing it home."
"But then I would have to sip it in front of her, and she knows I am off it."
"That would mean I would have to try and justify it, and start making pathetic excuses, which in turn would make me feel terrible."
"I know I am feeling this way because it is Friday and I will probably wake tomorrow morning with voice mails or texts from my ex partner, because he in fact will be drunk and despite me telling him not to contact me, I know he will."
"I know that if I do have one glass at the pub at lunchtime, I will then face an afternoon of thinking well that one drink didn't hurt, why not just buy one bottle."
"I need to think of positive things to stay on track."
"I'm starting to notice my clothes are less tight, yes this is good."
"I am looking forward to meeting her, and chatting."
"I love the cakes they have at the 'Cally, why don't I spoil myself with a chunk of something chocolate and hugely decadent, and a cappuccino...I haven't had a cappuccino for ages and I love coffee."
"I'm not overly hungry so I could just have the cake and coffee and it would be sort of naughty but good."
"Yes, that is what I will do."

 And so, when I arrived and sat down, I told her about my 'glass of wine' urge and why I felt it, and then, we both ordered coffee and cake and enjoyed a leisurely two hours of girlie chatting.

Was great, and I feel hugely satisfied with the whole day.

Two Weeks....Fourteen Days....I'm changing for the better.....In so many ways!

Today is the two week mark. I am sitting here smiling as I type because truly it has been so much easier than last time. I look around this cosy little  home I am making for myself and smile again. Okay this is partly because it is freezing and drizzling rain outside and I am here in the warm, but I can feel a greater heat coming from inside me.

I am liking who I am becoming. I mean if I bumped into me while out, as a stranger and started up a conversation. I believe I would recognise a person who has had many experiences and has a really secure hold on reality. I would like this person and want to get to know them better.

I have read pages and pages of inspirational writings, sat through hours and hours of discussion with psychologists over the years. Sometimes for help with personal problems and sometimes to learn how to understand successful management techniques when I was working. I have been bombarded with cliches by my Mother, Sister and many many friends, and must confess I have jumped on invisible soapboxes and quoted many  myself.

However, if I push all the 'talk' aside, and truly acknowledge my feelings, beliefs and actions, it seems that there has been a massive shift of gears in my mind, heart and soul. It's not unsettling this change, in fact it is comforting.

This time the fearful fog of doubt is missing from my way of thinking. The 'but what if's' are gone. For example, if I go out where alcohol is being served, I just don't want any. I don't care what other people do in their lives, that is their choice and I am under no obligation whatsoever to comply with anyone else's decisions or choices. Only my own and I like it. In fact I love it.

But it goes far deeper than just alcohol. It permeates throughout all of me. All of my choices are just that, mine and I recognise now that the exact second I consider obliging others in their choices, I can actually feel it. I can actually feel the change within me and I know now, where that can lead. It leads me away from myself and I don't want to do that, because I know I would miss me. I don't need to 'fit in' to other's worlds, I need only to be at peace in my own.

The 10th Day.....going well....feeling good

I decided to write today...instead of tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my first session with a grief counselor to address the upcoming anniversary of Dad's death.

It's been 4 years, and in that time I seem to have buried dealing with it fully in the day to day living experience. In hindsight, and this is purely conjecture on my part at this time, I stuck with living with 'familiar' things rather than totally confronting the newness and sadness of him no longer being alive.

I nearly wrote 'with me' then, but changed it because he will always be with me :)

This anniversary is actually one of the reasons I decided to stop drinking. I can remember how proud he was when I made my first attempt. Now I want to feel my own pride to honor his memory.

Strangely though, I am not feeling the 'sting' of needing a drink this time. 5 years ago it was soooo hard. This time it just feels more 'normal'. I feel more comfortable despite everything that is happening around me.

Rather than question this, I choose to just live it. I choose to enjoy it.

So.....I lost my temper.....but didn't weaken.

Day 8....yayyyy.

Went shopping today and accepted the thought of buying a bottle of wine.....but didn't.

The post title says I lost my temper....this happened yesterday. I was angry....so I raised my voice. The target of my anger was a person I am trying to excise from my life, however they keep trying to worm their way back in.

I admit some of the anger I felt was directed at myself for continuing to pander to the seemingly never-ending attempts by this person to stay in my life. However I am sick of trying to reason and also defend my personal position. It just isn't working. Sooo....I opened the door of my anger room and for a couple of minutes let the contents fall out....I slammed it shut as soon as I heard him say...."ahh now you are angry you have played straight into my hands."

Now rather than belt myself up for displaying anger, I accept that I did it. It is done. After all, anger is a valid emotion. It's how you deal with it that counts.

Over the weekend I spent time reading back over all of my old blog posts from 2011. If you too have read them you will have seen that there was a person back then who had piqued my female interest. It was strange reading how I  described my feelings back then. Fast forward to now and that same person is the one I am removing from my life.

This blog is about me...so I am not going to list grievances about wrong doings by others towards me, instead I am writing my lessons learned and challenges met.

This is what I have learned so far.

*For some reason I have lived most of my life believing that I am somehow 'faulty'...I am not faulty, just human with emotions that sometimes get the better of me. This puts me in the same category as everyone else. This is good.

*I am tired of living to other people's standards, only because I have chosen many times, to surround myself with those who have low ones. Mine are higher it turns out. Thank goodness I have learned this finally.

*Mistakes are steps to improvement, not a flaw. Insanity is making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result. I am not insane.

*Change is not easy. It is a challenge that I have met before and will continue to meet until my end. It is up to me whether to meet it head on or make a sideways attack as some changes need a different approach to others. Whichever method I choose, I will make any change that will bring me a healthier, happier life.

This is a healthy fear...a valid fear...one to be acknowledged and one to be faced...and I am putting my inner guard dog on patrol for my future. Nothing and nobody will stand between me and my life of peace again.:)

This includes all my addictions, my harming habits and the inertia of denial.

Robert the Bruce and the Spider..."If at first you don't succeed"...

For those that aren't familiar with this story...

It is said that in the early days of  Robert the Bruce's reign, he was defeated by the English and driven into exile. He was on the run, a hunted man. He sought refuge in a dark small cave and sat and watched a little spider trying to make a web.

Time and time again the spider would fall, only to climb back up to try again.

Finally, as Bruce looked on, the spider managed to stick a strand of silk to the cave wall and began to weave a web. Robert the Bruce was inspired by the spider and went on to defeat the English at the 'Battle of Bannockburn'.

I was first told this story by a doctor at the Princess Alexander Hospital in Brisbane, Australia during 1991.

I had been admitted with severe pneumonia complicated by Legionella bacteria. My lungs were a total mess, however each day I diligently blew into the Spirometer machine and did the 'puff tests' that charted my recovery. I became frustrated because I wanted to go home, but the Doc' said not until I could sustain a certain measurement for 3 days in a row. I would watch the stupid needle and will it to get to the mark as I expelled air as hard as I could. The first day I hit it I said to him " look I hit it!", with great delight. He said great, now do it again. The second test failed. The third worse still.

He looked at me as tears welled in my eyes, and then quietly told me the story of Robert the Bruce. I got the message. And now all these years later, I am facing a similar situation again.

Now as it has been 5 years since my last post, and for those who know me, yes I did start drinking again. HOWEVER, not as uncontrollably as before, but yes I would have a couple of Chardonnay's here and there. A beer maybe after a hard day's effort in the sun, and a few times enough to wipe out the facts of life that were surrounding me.

This brings me to now. Day 5 of my second attempt to 'weave my web'.

My starting point isn't as low down as last time, for which I give myself some credit. But I am standing now at the peak of a small mountain and can see another one in the distance which is higher. I want to climb that one now. I want to see the view from there. I am carrying extra years of age now and physical limitations from injuries caused during my tumble off the path. But now I have a stronger psychological set of tools to use and my internal compass is not as rusty as before.

So here we go again.....eye on the target....deep breaths...focus.....