It's all in the timing....

I am sitting here chuckling to myself at the 'goings on' since my last post.

If I put it all in a time line, it goes like this...

Planned to take a flirtation up a 'slight' notch by buying someone a gift...
Did a favor for a friend who ultimately placed me in a rather akward situation which I was not impressed about...
Witnessed a perfect display of testosterone driven territory marking and sizing up, which suddenly left me feeling totally confused/amused/chuffed/annoyed at the same time...
Spent two days recovering from the two prior things by cleaning profusely and mulling over why the hell I was so disturbed by it all...
Suddenly recognised that I was actually feeling a stronger attraction for someone than I thought...(one would think the 6-12 months of flirting would have tipped me off LOL)
Didn't trust that so then spent a day and a half trying to dispell it in my head...
Found that I became the most angriest crabbiest bitch during that time...TO EVERYONE...
Couldn't deny it so left the gift as an anonymous surprise...
Spent the next 24 hours pathetically fretting the response...LOL...well I have to be honest...
I won't go into further details apart from saying had a great weekend LOL.

Which brings me to the problem...Men!

I will give all you women reading this a few minutes to run through your own thoughts when you see the that written here.....................................Okay.

I have learnt something else about myself which is that I, myself, am the problem. Not the poor misinformed 15years olds stuck in middle aged bodies!!! Well let me clarify..yes they have problems...but we all do. The key I have discovered is to accept that you can only really ever control yourself and your urges and desires. I have been repeatedly guilty of allowing my girlish instinct of mating for life (humans are wired that way) completely rule my decision making...ALL THE WHILE spruiking to any and all the pitfalls and tribulations of the whole ritual. Thankfully most of my advice is sound...however...I never bothered to listen to any of it myself LOL.

My newfound sober awareness has enabled me to disect my latest actions and consequences with a fresh view. I still find silly thoughts popping in my head, and they are all grown of insecurity, old fears trying to ignite after a long period of solitude. I call them my girly thoughts...because I find myself surrounded on all levels by women who are exactly the same. The difference is that this time, my priority is ME....and me alone.

If I look back over my life, at every major turning point there was a relationship beginning or ending. I never developed skills to deal with the dance of relationships...or rather those that I did manage to aquire were shaped by negative things...so the view was always skewed.

And now here I am again...facing a new life...sober....and low and behold there is a bloke on the scene! Well...I accept that I will have silly girlie thoughts...what I won't do is make them the mainstay of any decisions I make. I have learnt to love logic...basic common sense...as a means of cutting through the emotional 'willy willys' that erupt in my mind. And I recognise that any repetition of past behaviours will only bring the same level of result as the past. Not any more!

I can honestly say that having worked through all of this, I have come to a place which although feels totally strange and unknown on one level, still has a little familiarity....but now the familiarity is my self...my lifestyle and my future goal of finding total inner peace within.

Goodbye old fears...and thank you for giving me the experience of mistakes and  failure. Without them I would not be driven to  succeed.