My last post has led me to yet another new place...one that I am not sure I am going to enjoy...but has to be experienced never the less.
Critiquing one's self is such a chore and is an easy task to push quietly under the carpet. I am a prime example of most of humanity's failings...lol...to say the least...but here in my new existence I have made the bold statement that I want to know the real me without booze...and there was no guarantee I was going to like what I found. The challenge is how to turn the crap into gold...or at least something recyclable LOL.
The past week has highlighted a couple of behavioural habits I have developed over my life. The first is that I am obsessive by nature...but I have a rather unstable attention span, which seems to lock my obsessive qualities onto negative trends for extremely excessive periods of time. Now I haven't quite figured out where this all has stemmed from but it is from my developmental stage involving the opposite sex...in other words puberty. Ahh I feel I am getting close to a major source of instability in my life...and if I can actually pinpoint it...then I can deal with it and move the hell on.
But I digress...(how unusual).
My last post involved my concern with my sister and her apparent hurtful traits. After much honest reflection, I realise it was an old reflex which I thought I had dumped and overcome...which was sneaking back in. I am like an elephant...I never forget past hurts...however...being blessed with an evil side to my thought processes (and the phenomenon of bipolar rapid thoughts) I tuck away weapons to pull out and use if enemies and attackers of the past return in an agressive manner. The more pain I felt at the beginning denotes the quantity and hurtfulness of my vast cache of verbal arrows and each one is in direct retaliation to any and all the levels of pain they caused me.
I have done this for so long I really can't remember when it all started...but it is like a googlebot running through every conversation I have that incites my defence mechanisms. It happens automatically and I am only now acknowledging its depth.
Well my sister and I had the unusual situation in that she is 20 years older than me and was married when I was 9 months old. We never had the 'normal' sibling rivalry, but we did have it. And it developed from a tit for tat sort of teasing and kicked up into a whole new level when I had my first episode at the age of 15. One of the longest grudges I held onto was about her. It affected the whole family and by succumbing to my own delusions about it all I robbed myself of years of possible happiness and my family as well.
Well in my being so sensative about every little thing she was saying or doing I suddenly stopped and asked myself....well...what is my role in all this? How does my own behaviour fit in? And there it was...clear as day...I may as well have been 15 years old again!!
So I choose to disengage. FINALLY!!! It is quite apparent that nothing is going to change between us unless one of us does something different...and as I have recognised this much about the pattern of our relationship, I may as well be the one to kick start the ride. Ahh the cliches are echoing through my head..."catch more flies with honey....", "you reap what you sow", "do unto others..." and the list goes on. But guess what? IT IS WORKING! You put it out there, you get it back.
Which leads me to my next problem I am now facing....
But I am going to talk about that in my next post, because I don't quite have it clear enough in my head to write about it coherently yet LOL.
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