The power of words......

Well I have made the 100 day mark!!!! Wow!!

I am now facing lil sneaky voices in my head whispering...'look you have gone 100 days...you could have just one glass of wine with dinner and be fine...'  But I KNOW I won't be fine at all. Sooo there will be no wine drinking by me....but that voice is there....all the time
...encouraged now by the fact that I have found a noticable lump inside the back of my throat.

Yes I am a smoker and the plan was to quit exactly ONE YEAR from the date I stopped drinking. Now I am having to consider bringing that forward...but...I will not let myself panic...and I WILL NOT LOOK TO ALCOHOL TO SETTLE MY NERVES!!!!!!!!!!

Instead I am focusing on more positive things. Which brings me to the title of today's post...words.

I am a word person. I choose my words carefully when I want to make my self understood. I also know that not everyone does this and that words are also fantastic to use as weapons. I love to read, communicate, especially in the written word, because I can keep emotions at bay without face to face communication.

So for these reasons, when somebody says something to me that strikes a nerve within, their words are imprinted on my brain forever.

The first time this happened in a profoundly gob-smacking way...was not long after all my hair had fallen out with Alopecia. I was trying so hard to be brave inside a body that just didn't seem to belong to me...I built up a plethora of replies and retorts for any and all comments made by others about my appearance....I thought I had it totally covered...until one night, after receiving a sarcastic demeaning remark from some asshole in a pub, I opened my mouth to give him just as good back but instead burst into tears! I ran sobbing from the place and ended up cringing under a tree in the mall in Cairns totally out of control crying. My dear friend Shanny took care of me and took me home and I fled to the sanctity of the front bedroom where my computer was.

I had started using the internet as a way of socialising without anyone having to see me, and had developed a few regular contacts who I would speak to. One of these people was a guy from Nebraska, Steve. I am sure he has no idea (despite my trying to explain to him) how much his words that night meant to me.

I told him what had happened and poured my heart out to him about it all....he said to me..."It doesn't matter what anyone says about how you look...it is what is behind your eyes that counts." Behind your eyes...those three words just hang around me like the smoke drifting up from my lit ciggie in the ash tray.

The next day they were still there...so I wrote the following poem...

Let people see behind your eyes the person that is you
Let people know that deep within, you've tender feelings too

Ignore the fear of future pain, ignore the fear of now
Embrace the moments one by one for they will show you how

To live your life and all it brings, to heal from what has been
And recognise the precious gifts that maybe you've not seen

Let people enter one by one, allow your life to start
Let people see behind your eyes, the doorway to your heart

Since that day I have recited this to myself when I feel myself closing off from the world. Hiding. Feeling like I don't belong.

So now all these years later it has happened again.

A friend of mine said to me the other day..."You look hot...and you should look hot...hold your head up...don't look down at the ground...yes I watch you and see you do it....but stop it. You are beautiful inside and out and should be proud of who you are!"

Man how empowering was standing there hearing this. The words are locked into my sights...so I just turn up the volume when any doubt starts gearing up.

I have also found a new inspirational song...Pink: Fu**in Perfect