I have gone into lock-down mode. Confusion has set in and it brought fear, doubt, and distrust with it!
This has all come about from a totally unexpected quarter....and I am stuck now trying to figure out whether it is warranted or not.
My last post was about the effect words have on me....and after reading it again, I see I was focusing on the positive effect. Which is fantastic of course.
However, today I am reeling from the spontaneous reaction I have had to comments made to me last night. As I write this I understand that I am still in the process of sorting through what is a habitual response and what is actual logic and true. Today my blog is purely theraputic....I need to write it to sort it....so please bear with me...
I have got so far as to recognise that it was the strength of the words and tone that has set off alarm bells...it seemed a tad over the top for the situation at hand...the questions I am facing now however are:
Shit, is he right have I fucked up?...Am I really doing what he suggested?...(quick replay of my actions/thoughts/emotions....no identifying fatal lapses that I can see that would warrent a verbal ass-kicking)...why is he so emotive about it?....(he doesnt want me to get hurt...I understand that...and I also know and love how his acid tongue and rapier wit is used to carve sarcasm filled little warnings to me now and then.....it is just that this time....it was like a slightly larger implement was used to burst a bubble of happiness I was demonstrating)....
If it was anyone else in the world....I would have turned and attacked.....but this time I didn't....instead I had the worst bloody nights sleep I have had for ages....and have reached a state of almost total inertia for fear of taking a wrong step!!!!!......can't have this....
Ok....if I have questions who are they for....I can answer mine....so obvious next step could be to ASK him why he seemed so pissy.
Stay tuned for the result.......
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