tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77192138213689091322024-02-22T16:50:14.289+11:00Givin up the grog...My online journal covering my road to sobriety...Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.comBlogger56125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-36905455597936613052016-10-12T11:09:00.000+11:002016-10-12T11:10:22.761+11:00120 DAYS.....totally dry!!!Almost one third of a year!<br />
<br />
I am flying along on the wings of sobriety. No cravings, no urges for any alcohol at all and I am enjoying the clarity that this brings.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately I have come down with some flu of sorts which has rendered me fatigued with total body aches. It is shitful. I have no energy at all, thinking is an effort let alone doing anything.<br />
<br />
It has smashed my mood down to an uncomfortably low level, however, rather than wave the Bipolar flag, I am aware that even 'normal' people feel this way while suffering from this bug. It is not helped by the seemingly relentless communications that are coming my way from certain quarters who will not accept the changes I am choosing to make in my life.<br />
<br />
I could write a totally separate blog about emotional connections and disconnects, but instead I can recognise that my drinking and emotional upheavals were firmly entwined. It is actually the source of my alcoholism. I reached for a 'drink' to soothe an emotional landslide at the age of 15, and that is where it began. You see it is one thing to have a drink or a few too many and end up drunk...but it is the 'reason' for having it that makes the difference between being an alcoholic or not. Well that is my opinion in any case.<br />
<br />
Some see it as a rite of passage, of 'growing up', of being an adult or to fit in with your peers, to be socially accepted. That is our culture and it has been for hundreds of years. For some it may in fact start that way, but at some point, you pour another one because 'you have had a bad day' or 'you are sad' or 'everything is giving you the shits'. Sometimes you find that 'people start laughing at your jokes more' and you feel special, or that you 'fit in better'. That is when it can change.<br />
<br />
My reason was that I felt totally out of control. I experienced a complete break down of trust in my whole world and as a teenager with no self esteem, could not process it at all. So I wanted to block it out...with whiskey. It worked as long as I kept the buzz going. Well so I thought, of course now I can see it just blurred it all into a maze of whirling thoughts that steadily increased speed until it was invisible to me.<br />
<br />
Here I am now at the age of 53, looking back and recognising it and I want to reach out to that young girl, who felt lost and alone, abandoned and confused and tell her that I care. Sadly for so long I didn't. I didn't care because it felt like the ones I depended upon didn't either. This manifested into my deep seated belief that I wasn't worth caring about. How sad is that!! But it's true.<br />
<br />
Fortunately I care now. I care about me. I want the best for me. I forgive me. I accept me. I like me.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVZ0yJtVhzgzCX6WhavRDkVK0EJcjrsUKov7SeVtKhqKkizVzoMiETkcKbr2sBAe0M_MT6dmas75o2-fnCeCCWsgzc-VgnkH_NDH0Q5KiE-1kCm178fDm0lI3tq6QVZyb-iRB_galNh_Kx/s1600/tumblr_nuu84fUx4k1r67m1to1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjVZ0yJtVhzgzCX6WhavRDkVK0EJcjrsUKov7SeVtKhqKkizVzoMiETkcKbr2sBAe0M_MT6dmas75o2-fnCeCCWsgzc-VgnkH_NDH0Q5KiE-1kCm178fDm0lI3tq6QVZyb-iRB_galNh_Kx/s320/tumblr_nuu84fUx4k1r67m1to1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-73385910084264374212016-10-03T16:15:00.000+11:002016-10-03T16:15:19.266+11:00111 Days.....still going okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyToday marks 111 days.<br />
<br />
The last weekend was the AFL Grand Final weekend and or the first time in 111 days I allowed alcohol into my home. I do regret it as its presence seeped into the backblocks of my brain-box and by this morning I was having the biggest booze cravings I have ever had. It brought with it flashbacks to dark times, self loathing, not good shit at all...queue the PTSD type reactions that are associated with it all.<br />
<br />
Last night I was over emotional, edgy, and so upped the dose of my night med to hopefully let me sleep well, given my state, and even with them (they normally knock me off my arse and drag me into sleep within half an hour, only to leave me with a med hangover for hours the next day after at least 12 hours sleep)....even with them, I still couldn't drift off until after midnight and was awake at 8.<br />
<br />
I then was invited to lunch, which normally doesn't worry me, however I said no. I explained why I couldn't go, because I would only sit there listening to the voices in my head argue over the harm or lack of harm only one glass would have, and ultimately this would amp up the jitters within me.<br />
<br />
The minute I hung up the phone, after declining the invite....I felt it....the cloud lifted...the weight was gone...and it was replaced by relative calm.<br />
<br />
What have I taken from this experience? Firstly, good on me for recognising what was happening to me...Secondly, good on me for protecting my intentions so well and honestly....and Thirdly, good on me for my choice to not add to what was happening within.<br />
<br />
There are no more grand finals now...nor are there occasions special enough to warrant my 'dry house' rule to be lifted. My life, my way is my motto...my home, my rules is my law.<br />
<br />
Maybe one day I will be able to allow this 'dry house' to be dampened by others drinking if they want to....but not yet... I AM NOT READY...and I guess if the people I invite aren't happy with that, then they don't have to come in....its okay by me. Each to their own, and me to mine :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrc-yn7mXN9HTUan8L7MYpF2vUxJc9a-PKbC_H6FsLUYWXJmJMOpZlsJnFcWaMMzxot10sAj8u_5z7mBh7DNIXxBRFFW6dmMMnpMEttSI7W80Uv6yTtsxlk-yJ8009uDT3ynmeJR5oBr9c/s1600/20d7120bd685c1368059e43ebec89c25.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhrc-yn7mXN9HTUan8L7MYpF2vUxJc9a-PKbC_H6FsLUYWXJmJMOpZlsJnFcWaMMzxot10sAj8u_5z7mBh7DNIXxBRFFW6dmMMnpMEttSI7W80Uv6yTtsxlk-yJ8009uDT3ynmeJR5oBr9c/s320/20d7120bd685c1368059e43ebec89c25.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-34004950158881938992016-09-21T10:55:00.001+10:002016-09-21T10:57:38.557+10:00 100 DAYSSSSSSSSSSS..... that's right...ONE HUNDRED DAYS :) Well here I am.....another milestone reached....yippeeeee!!!<br />
<br />
As an exercise, I read my 100 day post from 2011 this morning....wow...I am in a totally different place inside this time. You see back then, I was relying on 'other people' to make me feel worthy, or viable. This is a dangerous place to be and yet, quite understandable for one who despite the bravado was totally insecure and had little self esteem.<br />
<br />
So much has happened since then, and ironically the person who I had chosen to be the one to seek approval and acceptance from, was in fact the one who lead me back to where I am today...and sadly the journey was not what I hoped it would be.<br />
<br />
I was vulnerable but couldn't see how much, my beacon at the time could see it...perfect bait. I took it hook line and sinker. My intentions were so full of hope and trust and love, and I am proud of being able to share that part of myself. I will never lose that, however I will raise the standards of requirement for anyone citing words of encouragement and the like in the future. The first person I must gauge in this manner is myself. I raise my own standards of what I want from myself and in my life. They do say that the change must start with us......well it is true. As Dr Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."<br />
<br />
During the five years since my last attempt, I have had my trust shattered by several people who I believed to have my best interests at heart. They say a persons true colors are exposed in times of great upheaval or disaster and I have seen this and believe it is true. However, I accept that everyone is different, and when face with immense stress or sadness or fear, we all rely on whatever we have at the time to get through.<br />
<br />
So I forgive them all really, and most of all, I forgive myself. I am certainly not perfect, and I certainly doubt anyone who says that they are haha. But I am brave enough to critique myself honestly, with love and compassion, which I so wish I could have done years ago.<br />
<br />
Ahh but that would be too easy lol. To repeat a phrase that a dear friend and I often say..."you can't put an old head on young shoulders."<br />
<br />
In any case, today is a HUGE celebration for me. 100 days...only another 21.3333 and I will have reached a third of a year :) I am damn proud of what I have done, and nothing and no-one can take it away from me. It is mine, I did it, I chose to do it, and I did it.<br />
<br />
Whosagoodgirlllllllllllllllll?.......ME :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE75e0nwhB7M0SaCfr8M-PlkOWpgpk7mEJxzxn5dr-LW2GF2Axp6B7rH-v3_A1gHUg7LdwVwBsu1L8z9NjvKF7gafKZvJZYmWA8k-HP7LkGSSTA6s_pbdUIapgJoxJN29wOGJEz0CktgPq/s1600/tumblr_n8vhnlQj9t1tayfgeo1_1280.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiE75e0nwhB7M0SaCfr8M-PlkOWpgpk7mEJxzxn5dr-LW2GF2Axp6B7rH-v3_A1gHUg7LdwVwBsu1L8z9NjvKF7gafKZvJZYmWA8k-HP7LkGSSTA6s_pbdUIapgJoxJN29wOGJEz0CktgPq/s320/tumblr_n8vhnlQj9t1tayfgeo1_1280.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-21604173921576825302016-09-17T15:33:00.000+10:002016-09-17T15:33:11.003+10:0096 DAYS.......and have not weakened even when faced with adversity!!!Well...what a testing few weeks since my last post.<br />
<br />
I have had someone close to me attempt suicide, then a local person, who although I didn't personally know him, I am close friends with one of his workmates, he sadly did commit suicide. It pained me so much to see how devastated she was, even more when I consider my own history and fortunate failed attempts of my own.<br /><br />I wasn't ready for the subsequent trigger effect it was to have on me learning of these two events, not that I started having dark thoughts of my own, but it did drag me down into a mild depressive state for about 10 days. Fortunately, over the past 14 years since my diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder, and learning how to successfully live with it, I managed to ride it out and rise once again to a 'normal' level of functioning.<br />
<br />
Now during this time, I wanted a drink. I wanted it bad. But I DID NOT succumb. YAYYYY MEEEEE!!<br />
<br />
This win over my addiction has spurred me on to believe in myself in a way I never ever have before. I finally truly believe that I deserve goodness. I accept that I have totally fucked up many many times, but then hey, who hasn't?<br />
<br />
Soooo, here I am nearing the 100 day mark....and its looking easy :)<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-26920157583670681822016-08-26T13:32:00.001+10:002016-08-26T13:32:13.082+10:0074 days......still going so strong....Well I am sitting here typing this with some amazement!!<br />
<br />
Not to say that I doubted myself, but rather, I have surprised myself because the past week has been full of many many challenging situations. However, at no stage have I wanted a drink.<br />
<br />
I have surprised myself because I have somehow managed to separate each event rather than having them all mixing up in my mind in a whirl of overwhelming emotions. I cannot remember a time ever in my life when this has been the case.<br />
<br />
It is hard to put into words really. Suffice to say, I am actually aware of the need to care for my self in a way that protects my mind, body and soul, and as it is occurring I am marveling at how it feels.<br />
<br />
The next few weeks are again going to be testing, and yet, I am ready to face whatever happens. I choose my battles now, and recognise that which I have no control over.<br />
<br />
I need no luck, as I have confidence in myself at last!<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilBtGf4IR_C5YqZqeASMF0Kihrw0NWpVATHCRe4AIymC9IjSR3A_V2cqjSBJxuHainoEZSZN9kSCe93jaIvuk2nVqt31tzyNdpjree_7abbi2-354nCwpTvkS-Pijb0IYjJKCPQeccOQQm/s1600/download.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEilBtGf4IR_C5YqZqeASMF0Kihrw0NWpVATHCRe4AIymC9IjSR3A_V2cqjSBJxuHainoEZSZN9kSCe93jaIvuk2nVqt31tzyNdpjree_7abbi2-354nCwpTvkS-Pijb0IYjJKCPQeccOQQm/s1600/download.jpg" /></a></div>
Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-61737989073813063992016-08-11T18:18:00.001+10:002016-08-11T18:18:47.715+10:0059 dayssssssss.......not a drop to drink yay meeeeeeeeeeeWell here I am.....tomorrow is 60 days sober!!<br />
<br />
I feel fantastic. Haven't felt tempted to take a sip, although was at a hotel a week ago at the bar to put a keno ticket on, and when the staff member came up...I almost asked for a chardy out of HABIT...LOLLLLLLL. not because I wanted one, but because it used to be the first words out of my mouth lol.<br />
<br />
Adding to the pride I feel, I am now using a totally natural supplement daily which is totally AMAZING.<br />
<br />
I have more energy, sleep better, feel happier, and best of all, due it this products anti inflammatory properties, have now weaned off Panadeine Forte to the point where I only need 2 at night before I go to bed. What an amazing thing considering up until last Xmas I was taking 10-12 (500mg tabs) per day!!!!<br />
<br />
All in all life is going well. I am proud of myself, and loving life for the first time in years!!!<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja65DiSyvt2yVo-D_ulfdRozsH6vsqmvPBUSzWsoOSOsZt0maI4OkiRki1SBh6CG2D0j4Lji-PKPNMABHy0SbxTiQU2IGP6KAKKc_zHinOimOhs8H_MaYwskCD2e9QVRjtLsaNd8vDyNiz/s1600/decide-commit-succeed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEja65DiSyvt2yVo-D_ulfdRozsH6vsqmvPBUSzWsoOSOsZt0maI4OkiRki1SBh6CG2D0j4Lji-PKPNMABHy0SbxTiQU2IGP6KAKKc_zHinOimOhs8H_MaYwskCD2e9QVRjtLsaNd8vDyNiz/s320/decide-commit-succeed.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-34100948887620917632016-07-29T12:38:00.001+10:002016-07-29T20:25:38.416+10:00FRIDAY.....another week overI am writing on a Friday instead of Monday this time.....and my language in this post is fairly abrupt and straight to the point!<br />
<br />
Haven't even had one thought of drinking. Amazing. My life is too busy with planning, and goal setting and ticking off achievements.<br />
<br />
I am realising that this is more than giving up alcohol, it is giving up a mindset...and replacing it with a new one.<br />
<br />
As I sort through events in my days, and the associated thoughts that accompany them, I find myself putting each one in either a <b>'Toss Out'</b> box, A <b>'Keep</b>' Box or a <b>'Sit It On the Shelf For Now'</b> Box. I am de-cluttering my life.<br />
<br />
I have no time for excuses...firstly from me and secondly from others. Bullshit does NOT have a place anymore. What other people do, say and think is NONE of my business, I really don't give a shit. Unless they are saying it TO me. And, if it falls into the 'bullshit' category...straight into the 'Toss Out' box it goes.<br />
<br />
To put it in a vulgar sense, my arse is totally closed off from receiving ANY smoke which may be blown in that direction. I don't have time for wishy-washy blah blah blah anymore. I am busy. I am busy getting on with working on living.<br />
<br />
My job is to make sure, I am healthy, happy, clear headed and focused on getting the MOST out of life. Not settling for 'almost' or 'nearly' any longer.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTizX6i6_f2fstVEQIS5v2fEvCWXShVuCu4H-ihVEdvWL6Nybrq8gCietbkDXOh0y7DlJX3E05kyG-GxKsJmYgrPf3uCV7FM6oW9O_jOhbXZvqMVK4TUmcb1y4RxPWBLVMPhoo4QLXamf4/s1600/MoreThanReality0014.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTizX6i6_f2fstVEQIS5v2fEvCWXShVuCu4H-ihVEdvWL6Nybrq8gCietbkDXOh0y7DlJX3E05kyG-GxKsJmYgrPf3uCV7FM6oW9O_jOhbXZvqMVK4TUmcb1y4RxPWBLVMPhoo4QLXamf4/s320/MoreThanReality0014.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-11323878030921800422016-07-25T12:59:00.001+10:002016-07-25T12:59:27.555+10:006 WEEKSSSSSSSSSSS........42 days.....still going strong :)Well I have had a week full of FLU......YUCK.<br />
<br />
I am starting to feel better, but really need to take it easy. The past two days I also noticed a pain in my side. During my last attempt of sobriety I developed Gall Bladder pain......and found out that it can be a common occurrence when stopping alcohol intake. Well it's back, no where near as severe as last time, but still uncomfortable. Fortunately my diet is full of healthy stuff. Fridge is full of veggies and fruit etc and I eat sensibly.<br />
<br />
Over the weekend though, due to my feeling like absolute crap with this chest flu, I did consume pizza and a couple of pies which have obviously contributed to the gall bladder situation. I am determined to avoid surgery so my diet awareness is paramount. I am also drinking at least 1.5 litres of water with lemon slices each day, which is fantastic for flushing and hydrating the ole bod.<br />
<br />
All in all I am extremely proud of myself for my 6 week achievement!!<br />
<br />
And now as the flu symptoms are beginning to subside, my mood is once again bouncing back to a more acceptable level. No one feels good when they are sick.<br />
<br />
So as I begin week 7, I am looking forward with a smile on my dial :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicUbbHv_RJ_Kr9ENn7xmweO1Nd6CZunGdoAEjwt7nLDyUk8UP9jCLOakwihkD8Qv572NesXHRKhsrQDpanbGuzBfdbWrPWVd5zIiofV94TIBBaTvRrDDv1kiWlZqnMFqAeI4GXbyBGdm1i/s1600/3892662959aa2853414457470d00395b.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEicUbbHv_RJ_Kr9ENn7xmweO1Nd6CZunGdoAEjwt7nLDyUk8UP9jCLOakwihkD8Qv572NesXHRKhsrQDpanbGuzBfdbWrPWVd5zIiofV94TIBBaTvRrDDv1kiWlZqnMFqAeI4GXbyBGdm1i/s1600/3892662959aa2853414457470d00395b.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-36765766764708308582016-07-18T22:04:00.001+10:002016-07-18T22:04:40.596+10:0035 days today!! Been an exciting week :)5 weeks still going strong.<br />
<br />
Yesterday was my birthday. 53 years old. And yes I did think about having 'just one glass'......BUT I chose not to. YAY MEEEEE :)<br />
<br />
I considered which would feel better, being proud that I chose sobriety or feeling ashamed after having a glass and the ensuing justifications that I would throw around my mind and to others. Well...an easy choice when you think of it that way isn't it?<br />
<br />
So I had a lovely lunch with a good friend, walked home in the freezing cold and then celebrated with a couple of Tim Tam biscuits and coffee. It was great!!<br />
<br />
Earlier in the week I drove down to Warrnambool, to see the ocean. It was rough and rugged and absolutely beautiful, although I was amused at the amount of people choosing to chase invisible Pokemons around with their mobile phones rather than observe nature at its best. Oh well...to each their own I suppose. I have always been one to go out of my way to avoid bizarre new trends, which tends to lead to some rather fascinating responses from those who follow the masses. Seriously though, what is the big deal??<br />
<br />
Of course I know what my problem is...I am OLDDDD.......LOL.....only in numerical terms however, my mind is stuck in my 40's and I like it there.<br />
<br />
Usually I find an inspirational quote image to end with, however today, I am adding one of the photo's I took looking out over the ocean. It is a thing of beauty, the ocean whipped up by the winter winds, crashing against the rugged coastline....constantly moving and changing and affected by the forces of nature surrounding it....much like life.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSnpQvEirnTIGhqCYActQ0URe9td0ttKhwk7BsujGPpjifJUTGciXL5H7hfgFcBqZTxWouG4SnknQkwmfOury0sC0ZuTkg3_7Z12xTz_iz1QHAykPX7Z4tpaY1_wXOdtsHFKLxxYXwbqr3/s1600/13735766_10154143139084473_698003162190051578_o.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="143" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhSnpQvEirnTIGhqCYActQ0URe9td0ttKhwk7BsujGPpjifJUTGciXL5H7hfgFcBqZTxWouG4SnknQkwmfOury0sC0ZuTkg3_7Z12xTz_iz1QHAykPX7Z4tpaY1_wXOdtsHFKLxxYXwbqr3/s320/13735766_10154143139084473_698003162190051578_o.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-4053953615165115202016-07-11T17:04:00.001+10:002016-07-11T17:04:35.086+10:004 weeks without a drop!Hi, my name is Lee and I am an alcoholic. I have been sober for 4 weeks, which is 28 days!<br />
<br />
AND I FEEL GREATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjad49QXUWJ0GaP6IxzS8XJuJsXI3sjI34Zr6cnLKtqkH_Rl2LI2HfF1S6x6MeCGubq1zZXfgdMU6lpr5GtHTtu-E8JLk3ytHWa75kyJsx3HnkY-O8lWb7Ho0j3XsBgC3B3x2Fczb3Vxdk/s1600/11348401_1594588980797521_1701596127_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhjad49QXUWJ0GaP6IxzS8XJuJsXI3sjI34Zr6cnLKtqkH_Rl2LI2HfF1S6x6MeCGubq1zZXfgdMU6lpr5GtHTtu-E8JLk3ytHWa75kyJsx3HnkY-O8lWb7Ho0j3XsBgC3B3x2Fczb3Vxdk/s320/11348401_1594588980797521_1701596127_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-23978121121013955042016-07-08T16:20:00.002+10:002016-07-08T16:20:47.085+10:0025 dayssssssss.......awfully proud of myself :)I am gliding along nicely. Have been to places that sell alcohol and not even thought about having any.<br />
<br />
I have also decided that some things just aren't worth worrying about. Let it Be the Beatles sang and boy were they right. Sometimes it's difficult to jerk the thought patterns out of negative spaces and I accept that time and repetition will make this easier. After all, the more you do something, the more of an unconscious action becomes just that...an unconscious action.<br />
<br />
I always try to remind myself that I am after all, only human and not some creature from another planet. I have human emotions and reactions just like anyone else and in this respect am not really special at all.<br />
<br />
What does make me special though, is my individuality which for so very long I hated and mistrusted. Not anymore however. I embrace it. I admire it. I like it.<br />
<br />
So I end the week on a high, despite the world revolving around me in turmoil. I am safe in the knowledge that I am growing and evolving rather than stuck in a place I didn't like. I am moving...FORWARD :)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49DjG5WDsrwH0YeiGda_TAsj0f5ezUKA-UpGZPKfaWDLtblgdwnwze10qOtELNGs3XBqMB-PNo53EBb9hQn7nvGHWR7NlNlnNl0OehYZ_HTSBi6r9-sFIsbfaHpHpy3CTpqaeMySuv-s6/s1600/318929.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj49DjG5WDsrwH0YeiGda_TAsj0f5ezUKA-UpGZPKfaWDLtblgdwnwze10qOtELNGs3XBqMB-PNo53EBb9hQn7nvGHWR7NlNlnNl0OehYZ_HTSBi6r9-sFIsbfaHpHpy3CTpqaeMySuv-s6/s320/318929.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-46672986823417067592016-07-02T10:15:00.000+10:002016-07-02T10:15:16.042+10:0019 Days....rewards are sweetYesterday was the first day I actually felt like a nice glass of chardonnay. I went through the 'process' as I call it. The thought process that is...<br />
<br />
"Jeez I really would enjoy a glass of wine, just one."<br />
"I know I would be satisfied with just one glass"<br />
"I am going to meet Sandra at the Caledonian Hotel at 1, I could just buy a glass"<br />
"One drink there wouldn't be that bad, I mean it's better than buying a bottle and bringing it home."<br />
"But then I would have to sip it in front of her, and she knows I am off it."<br />
"That would mean I would have to try and justify it, and start making pathetic excuses, which in turn would make me feel terrible."<br />
"I know I am feeling this way because it is Friday and I will probably wake tomorrow morning with voice mails or texts from my ex partner, because he in fact will be drunk and despite me telling him not to contact me, I know he will."<br />
"I know that if I do have one glass at the pub at lunchtime, I will then face an afternoon of thinking well that one drink didn't hurt, why not just buy one bottle."<br />
"I need to think of positive things to stay on track."<br />
"I'm starting to notice my clothes are less tight, yes this is good."<br />
"I am looking forward to meeting her, and chatting."<br />
"I love the cakes they have at the 'Cally, why don't I spoil myself with a chunk of something chocolate and hugely decadent, and a cappuccino...I haven't had a cappuccino for ages and I love coffee."<br />
"I'm not overly hungry so I could just have the cake and coffee and it would be sort of naughty but good."<br />
"Yes, that is what I will do."<br />
<br />
And so, when I arrived and sat down, I told her about my 'glass of wine' urge and why I felt it, and then, we both ordered coffee and cake and enjoyed a leisurely two hours of girlie chatting.<br />
<br />
Was great, and I feel hugely satisfied with the whole day.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5eg1pWR4kNjXjvzdneKipOc-J_V0RB0xzo8HmwEfusJZ25foDhCQmX2BTDff1NDMa9IrJOiaPoN5yTiEUHViIn69Lke-F023CiAKfySwh0Cjs_vkAcI975XhQI0PDHBZ6jDvh0qUuQtBm/s1600/188502070-motivational-quotes-Conquering-any-difficulty-QUOTES.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5eg1pWR4kNjXjvzdneKipOc-J_V0RB0xzo8HmwEfusJZ25foDhCQmX2BTDff1NDMa9IrJOiaPoN5yTiEUHViIn69Lke-F023CiAKfySwh0Cjs_vkAcI975XhQI0PDHBZ6jDvh0qUuQtBm/s1600/188502070-motivational-quotes-Conquering-any-difficulty-QUOTES.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-87299970170643391512016-06-27T11:02:00.000+10:002016-06-27T11:02:11.485+10:00Two Weeks....Fourteen Days....I'm changing for the better.....In so many ways!Today is the two week mark. I am sitting here smiling as I type because truly it has been so much easier than last time. I look around this cosy little home I am making for myself and smile again. Okay this is partly because it is freezing and drizzling rain outside and I am here in the warm, but I can feel a greater heat coming from inside me.<br />
<br />
I am liking who I am becoming. I mean if I bumped into me while out, as a stranger and started up a conversation. I believe I would recognise a person who has had many experiences and has a really secure hold on reality. I would like this person and want to get to know them better.<br />
<br />
I have read pages and pages of inspirational writings, sat through hours and hours of discussion with psychologists over the years. Sometimes for help with personal problems and sometimes to learn how to understand successful management techniques when I was working. I have been bombarded with cliches by my Mother, Sister and many many friends, and must confess I have jumped on invisible soapboxes and quoted many myself.<br />
<br />
However, if I push all the 'talk' aside, and truly acknowledge my feelings, beliefs and actions, it seems that there has been a massive shift of gears in my mind, heart and soul. It's not unsettling this change, in fact it is comforting.<br />
<br />
This time the fearful fog of doubt is missing from my way of thinking. The 'but what if's' are gone. For example, if I go out where alcohol is being served, I just don't want any. I don't care what other people do in their lives, that is their choice and I am under no obligation whatsoever to comply with anyone else's decisions or choices. Only my own and I like it. In fact I love it.<br />
<br />
But it goes far deeper than just alcohol. It permeates throughout all of me. All of my choices are just that, mine and I recognise now that the exact second I consider obliging others in their choices, I can actually feel it. I can actually feel the change within me and I know now, where that can lead. It leads me away from myself and I don't want to do that, because I know I would miss me. I don't need to 'fit in' to other's worlds, I need only to be at peace in my own.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyYiPnV9qlIpDWdOcTVC7yVIeVemt1Wr6BvDJBxjPmjusakt6zK3eSzCVW4BlGguykzIO_fErJUzS47UZMnczeSvSN0_LfDhGpl1fo8NZJ2SGLoOcR4Wjwvs68ZbYeVBHk32tWjCLGqtWg/s1600/828437b359197d80a9ab5052cf981e08.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyYiPnV9qlIpDWdOcTVC7yVIeVemt1Wr6BvDJBxjPmjusakt6zK3eSzCVW4BlGguykzIO_fErJUzS47UZMnczeSvSN0_LfDhGpl1fo8NZJ2SGLoOcR4Wjwvs68ZbYeVBHk32tWjCLGqtWg/s320/828437b359197d80a9ab5052cf981e08.jpg" width="228" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-72040541082339632482016-06-23T11:59:00.001+10:002016-06-23T11:59:37.193+10:00The 10th Day.....going well....feeling goodI decided to write today...instead of tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my first session with a grief counselor to address the upcoming anniversary of Dad's death.<br />
<br />
It's been 4 years, and in that time I seem to have buried dealing with it fully in the day to day living experience. In hindsight, and this is purely conjecture on my part at this time, I stuck with living with 'familiar' things rather than totally confronting the newness and sadness of him no longer being alive.<br />
<br />
I nearly wrote 'with me' then, but changed it because he will always be with me :)<br />
<br />
This anniversary is actually one of the reasons I decided to stop drinking. I can remember how proud he was when I made my first attempt. Now I want to feel my own pride to honor his memory.<br />
<br />
Strangely though, I am not feeling the 'sting' of needing a drink this time. 5 years ago it was soooo hard. This time it just feels more 'normal'. I feel more comfortable despite everything that is happening around me.<br />
<br />
Rather than question this, I choose to just live it. I choose to enjoy it.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqKO88QqTgKTvkY0VyJzwBBzSEECq8jHeQ5oEgDZ2_HTpEhtEUiDBMtYCaQQUQQLLs7lhDP9590orhMWhMTvRop7UiN43POvBvPNpO60cr3jq4ajJCd8mYA-2V_mwXqvDXmvz2ws2e9mAb/s1600/1012759_486404728104124_526138935_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="214" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjqKO88QqTgKTvkY0VyJzwBBzSEECq8jHeQ5oEgDZ2_HTpEhtEUiDBMtYCaQQUQQLLs7lhDP9590orhMWhMTvRop7UiN43POvBvPNpO60cr3jq4ajJCd8mYA-2V_mwXqvDXmvz2ws2e9mAb/s320/1012759_486404728104124_526138935_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-80214663761399689372016-06-21T15:31:00.000+10:002016-06-21T15:31:40.104+10:00So.....I lost my temper.....but didn't weaken.Day 8....yayyyy.<br />
<br />
Went shopping today and accepted the thought of buying a bottle of wine.....but didn't.<br />
<br />
The post title says I lost my temper....this happened yesterday. I was angry....so I raised my voice. The target of my anger was a person I am trying to excise from my life, however they keep trying to worm their way back in.<br />
<br />
I admit some of the anger I felt was directed at myself for continuing to pander to the seemingly never-ending attempts by this person to stay in my life. However I am sick of trying to reason and also defend my personal position. It just isn't working. Sooo....I opened the door of my anger room and for a couple of minutes let the contents fall out....I slammed it shut as soon as I heard him say...."ahh now you are angry you have played straight into my hands."<br />
<br />
Now rather than belt myself up for displaying anger, I accept that I did it. It is done. After all, anger is a valid emotion. It's how you deal with it that counts.<br />
<br />
Over the weekend I spent time reading back over all of my old blog posts from 2011. If you too have read them you will have seen that there was a person back then who had piqued my female interest. It was strange reading how I described my feelings back then. Fast forward to now and that same person is the one I am removing from my life.<br />
<br />
This blog is about me...so I am not going to list grievances about wrong doings by others towards me, instead I am writing my lessons learned and challenges met.<br />
<br />
This is what I have learned so far.<br />
<br />
*For some reason I have lived most of my life believing that I am somehow 'faulty'...I am not faulty, just human with emotions that sometimes get the better of me. This puts me in the same category as everyone else. This is good.<br />
<br />
*I am tired of living to other people's standards, only because I have chosen many times, to surround myself with those who have low ones. Mine are higher it turns out. Thank goodness I have learned this finally.<br />
<br />
*Mistakes are steps to improvement, not a flaw. Insanity is making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result. I am not insane.<br />
<br />
*Change is not easy. It is a challenge that I have met before and will continue to meet until my end. It is up to me whether to meet it head on or make a sideways attack as some changes need a different approach to others. Whichever method I choose, I will make any change that will bring me a healthier, happier life.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9jHNBeU0vS6TwroSpQQmwtvUPClxDFhbh-ihpgYc4NJ909RQ345-z1_f1IC2_NPbOUkvzJRsdWxuiUFoodXSfjA0hHm5pn_wGmI0MH_mCV67hWfwColC899tDxmIvMka27z8OHIwbBQ8G/s1600/cf07e5935a47222a4759c02654f2fac1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9jHNBeU0vS6TwroSpQQmwtvUPClxDFhbh-ihpgYc4NJ909RQ345-z1_f1IC2_NPbOUkvzJRsdWxuiUFoodXSfjA0hHm5pn_wGmI0MH_mCV67hWfwColC899tDxmIvMka27z8OHIwbBQ8G/s320/cf07e5935a47222a4759c02654f2fac1.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
This is a healthy fear...a valid fear...one to be acknowledged and one to be faced...and I am putting my inner guard dog on patrol for my future. Nothing and nobody will stand between me and my life of peace again.:)<br />
<br />
This includes all my addictions, my harming habits and the inertia of denial.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-36715224883856276902016-06-18T13:42:00.001+10:002016-06-18T13:42:10.902+10:00Robert the Bruce and the Spider..."If at first you don't succeed"...For those that aren't familiar with this story...<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>It is said that in the early days of <a href="http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/scotlandshistory/warsofindependence/robertbruce/index.asp">Robert the Bruce's</a> reign, he was defeated by the English and driven into exile. He was on the run, a hunted man. He sought refuge in a dark small cave and sat and watched a little spider trying to make a web.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Time and time again the spider would fall, only to climb back up to try again.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Finally, as Bruce looked on, the spider managed to stick a strand of silk to the cave wall and began to weave a web. Robert the Bruce was inspired by the spider and went on to defeat the English at the <a href="http://www.educationscotland.gov.uk/scotlandshistory/warsofindependence/battleofbannockburn/index.asp">'Battle of Bannockburn'.</a></i><br />
<br />
I was first told this story by a doctor at the Princess Alexander Hospital in Brisbane, Australia during 1991.<br />
<br />
I had been admitted with severe pneumonia complicated by Legionella bacteria. My lungs were a total mess, however each day I diligently blew into the Spirometer machine and did the 'puff tests' that charted my recovery. I became frustrated because I wanted to go home, but the Doc' said not until I could sustain a certain measurement for 3 days in a row. I would watch the stupid needle and <i>will </i>it to get to the mark as I expelled air as hard as I could. The first day I hit it I said to him " look I hit it!", with great delight. He said great, now do it again. The second test failed. The third worse still.<br />
<br />
He looked at me as tears welled in my eyes, and then quietly told me the story of Robert the Bruce. I got the message. And now all these years later, I am facing a similar situation again.<br />
<br />
Now as it has been 5 years since my last post, and for those who know me, yes I did start drinking again. HOWEVER, not as uncontrollably as before, but yes I would have a couple of Chardonnay's here and there. A beer maybe after a hard day's effort in the sun, and a few times enough to wipe out the facts of life that were surrounding me.<br />
<br />
This brings me to now. Day 5 of my second attempt to 'weave my web'.<br />
<br />
My starting point isn't as low down as last time, for which I give myself some credit. But I am standing now at the peak of a small mountain and can see another one in the distance which is higher. I want to climb that one now. I want to see the view from there. I am carrying extra years of age now and physical limitations from injuries caused during my tumble off the path. But now I have a stronger psychological set of tools to use and my internal compass is not as rusty as before.<br />
<br />
So here we go again.....eye on the target....deep breaths...focus.....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-25567136480609782392011-07-06T11:55:00.000+10:002011-07-06T11:55:30.790+10:00Time for a stocktake......Well it certainly has been a bizarre, stimulating, exciting, scary, inspiring time since the 6th February...<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
I feel like I am living in a totally new body...and I suppose I am really...because I have just purchased jeans in size 10!! The last time I was this size I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, worked 7 days a week for 4 months (min 12hrs a day)....I was quite ill mentally as well as physically...so as soon as I rested for a week my weight quickly came back to my normal level.<br />
<br />
Now however...I can happily report that life is quite awesome for me at the moment and I am probably the healthiest I have ever been.<br />
<br />
Mentally I am in a place of such peace, clarity and comfort...at first it felt quite alien to me...but I have quickly adjusted LOL. I have blogged previously how protective I am of my newfound state of mind...and as I read my posts from then, I realise I was quite aggresive in my defence.....this has now progressed to a firm assertiveness.<br />
<br />
I am starting to become more and more able to wrangle my emotions and the spontaneous behaviours they produce....rather than spinning straight off the road into negative thoughts...I now have progressed from stopping and analyzing each and every thought and logically validating or discarding them...to being able to trust it is just happening and recognising it after the fact...LOL...i hope that all makes sense!! It is sort of like when you are learning to drive a car....at first you are so aware of every little thing you have to do and how you do it....and then after while it all becomes second nature. <br />
<br />
Physically I feel amazing!!! I look damn good too....and if you take that as being conceited...that is your problem LOL. Apart from the weight loss, my hair, nails and skin is so much better....I will be spoiling myself on my birthday with a nice manicure...YAYYYYY. I am loving how I have made it a priority each day to take care of myself and make myself look and feel great. Even if I am not going out of the house...I will always make sure I dress neatly and my hair looks good....LOLLLL...such a change LOL.<br />
<br />
Emotionally I am.......lol I am searching for the perfect way to describe it and I am sitting here just smiling and chuckling with a blank mind LOL......ok...i would say I am in a GREAT place emotionally. I feel a deep calmness running through me.....even if something causes a bleep on my emotional richter scale....the underlying calm keeps me settled. Oh I am not saying I don't have spikes on the graph.....I do....it is just that they are very shortlived and don't cause a ripple effect of tidal waves crashing in my brain like it used to. <br />
<br />
The key.....all along.....was alcohol. It was the one factor that linked all of the above...amazing. <br />
<br />
I have had a glass of wine....tasted like SHIT!!!!....not worth it.<br />
I have had a beer.....(see above)<br />
I have had a scotch n dry....tasted good...and one was enough....this is going to be my weakness....or achilles heel if you will. However...I find it hard to justify spending $7.00 for a scotch n dry....when i can get a whole can of diet coke for $3.....LOLLLLLL.....and the only purpose it is all serving is to quench my thirst....pffffttt.....my wallet will always win LOLLLLLLL.<br />
<br />
Plus....I disappoint myself if I drink booze....and I prefer to feel good and proud of myself!!!<br />
<br />
Soooo....to summarise the journey so far....I reckon I have done well!!!!Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-34885496879714366322011-07-01T12:04:00.000+10:002011-07-01T12:04:18.959+10:00A weighty update...I have just realised that I haven't mentioned my rather amazing loss of weight. A total of 34Kg!!!<br />
<br />
I have rediscovered my femininity and with that has brought an enjoyable 'getting to know' myself and how I now look situation. (thanks to some delightful compliment driven prompting from a gorgeous friend to hold my head up and be proud of who I am and how I look)<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">I am still trying to wrap my head around being able to wear clothing that doesn't resemble a tent haaahahahah. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">It has been YEARS since I actually spent time pampering myself taking proper care of myself.....and I have never done it with such pride before in my entire life!!!</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">LOVIN ITTTTTT :)</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div>Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-44897476649149944572011-06-16T22:02:00.001+10:002011-06-16T22:04:42.220+10:00Brushes the dust and cobwebs off...The title is in reference to my lack of posts in the past few weeks. Lots of stuff happening and my brain wasn't ready to be utilised in a blogging manner.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Well I had a slip...which is why I initially stopped...and it has taken till now for me to confess LOLLLLLLL.<br />
<br />
Twas just a lil one.....and it rectified itself within 4 hours which resulted in only 5 alcholic drinks....and was followed by a return to diet coke....AND definite proof that drinking to relieve stress and anxiety is totally pointless.<br />
<br />
It is funny really, because I had envisioned my first slip to involve drinking to the point of passing out....but instead it only exacerbated my bad mood and made me feel worse....so i stopped.<br />
<br />
Anyway....this was followed by me getting a cold...which felt like the flu....which ended up being pneumonia and I had a 4 day stay in Hospital. Xrays have revealled Emphasyma sooooooo on the 20th of July I will be starting a course of 'Champix' tablets. The stopping of smoking has been brought forward dramatically....and is only delayed till July because I have to make sure I have all of the current medication out of my system and am well.<br />
<br />
Now.....ON TOP of all that......the friendship I have developed with the bloke has moved into a 'relationship'!!! <br />
<br />
So here I am....reeling somewhat from the past months developments.<br />
<br />
However....I am happy to report in summary....that my deviation from the road to sobriety was a mere footstep off the verge....and I have no immediate plans to stray off course again.Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-59143434660800073262011-05-27T12:05:00.000+10:002011-05-27T12:05:50.086+10:00Day 109.....and it is a tuffy....I have gone into lock-down mode. Confusion has set in and it brought fear, doubt, and distrust with it!<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
This has all come about from a totally unexpected quarter....and I am stuck now trying to figure out whether it is warranted or not.<br />
<br />
My last post was about the effect words have on me....and after reading it again, I see I was focusing on the positive effect. Which is fantastic of course.<br />
<br />
However, today I am reeling from the spontaneous reaction I have had to comments made to me last night. As I write this I understand that I am still in the process of sorting through what is a habitual response and what is actual logic and true. Today my blog is purely theraputic....I need to write it to sort it....so please bear with me...<br />
<br />
I have got so far as to recognise that it was the strength of the words and tone that has set off alarm bells...it seemed a tad over the top for the situation at hand...the questions I am facing now however are:<br />
Shit, is he right have I fucked up?...Am I really doing what he suggested?...(quick replay of my actions/thoughts/emotions....no identifying fatal lapses that I can see that would warrent a verbal ass-kicking)...why is he so emotive about it?....(he doesnt want me to get hurt...I understand that...and I also know and love how his acid tongue and rapier wit is used to carve sarcasm filled little warnings to me now and then.....it is just that this time....it was like a slightly larger implement was used to burst a bubble of happiness I was demonstrating)....<br />
<br />
If it was anyone else in the world....I would have turned and attacked.....but this time I didn't....instead I had the worst bloody nights sleep I have had for ages....and have reached a state of almost total inertia for fear of taking a wrong step!!!!!......can't have this....<br />
<br />
Ok....if I have questions who are they for....I can answer mine....so obvious next step could be to ASK him why he seemed so pissy. <br />
<br />
Stay tuned for the result.......Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-53378531721261414222011-05-17T18:48:00.000+10:002011-05-17T18:48:19.054+10:00The power of words......Well I have made the 100 day mark!!!! Wow!! <br />
<br />
I am now facing lil sneaky voices in my head whispering...'look you have gone 100 days...you could have just one glass of wine with dinner and be fine...' But I KNOW I won't be fine at all. Sooo there will be no wine drinking by me....but that voice is there....all the time<br />
<a name='more'></a>...encouraged now by the fact that I have found a noticable lump inside the back of my throat. <br />
<br />
Yes I am a smoker and the plan was to quit exactly ONE YEAR from the date I stopped drinking. Now I am having to consider bringing that forward...but...I will not let myself panic...and I WILL NOT LOOK TO ALCOHOL TO SETTLE MY NERVES!!!!!!!!!!<br />
<br />
Instead I am focusing on more positive things. Which brings me to the title of today's post...words.<br />
<br />
I am a word person. I choose my words carefully when I want to make my self understood. I also know that not everyone does this and that words are also fantastic to use as weapons. I love to read, communicate, especially in the written word, because I can keep emotions at bay without face to face communication.<br />
<br />
So for these reasons, when somebody says something to me that strikes a nerve within, their words are imprinted on my brain forever.<br />
<br />
The first time this happened in a profoundly gob-smacking way...was not long after all my hair had fallen out with Alopecia. I was trying so hard to be brave inside a body that just didn't seem to belong to me...I built up a plethora of replies and retorts for any and all comments made by others about my appearance....I thought I had it totally covered...until one night, after receiving a sarcastic demeaning remark from some asshole in a pub, I opened my mouth to give him just as good back but instead burst into tears! I ran sobbing from the place and ended up cringing under a tree in the mall in Cairns totally out of control crying. My dear friend Shanny took care of me and took me home and I fled to the sanctity of the front bedroom where my computer was. <br />
<br />
I had started using the internet as a way of socialising without anyone having to see me, and had developed a few regular contacts who I would speak to. One of these people was a guy from Nebraska, Steve. I am sure he has no idea (despite my trying to explain to him) how much his words that night meant to me.<br />
<br />
I told him what had happened and poured my heart out to him about it all....he said to me..."It doesn't matter what anyone says about how you look...it is what is behind your eyes that counts." Behind your eyes...those three words just hang around me like the smoke drifting up from my lit ciggie in the ash tray. <br />
<br />
The next day they were still there...so I wrote the following poem...<br />
<br />
Let people see behind your eyes the person that is you<br />
Let people know that deep within, you've tender feelings too<br />
<br />
Ignore the fear of future pain, ignore the fear of now<br />
Embrace the moments one by one for they will show you how<br />
<br />
To live your life and all it brings, to heal from what has been<br />
And recognise the precious gifts that maybe you've not seen<br />
<br />
Let people enter one by one, allow your life to start<br />
Let people see behind your eyes, the doorway to your heart<br />
<br />
Since that day I have recited this to myself when I feel myself closing off from the world. Hiding. Feeling like I don't belong. <br />
<br />
So now all these years later it has happened again.<br />
<br />
A friend of mine said to me the other day..."You look hot...and you should look hot...hold your head up...don't look down at the ground...yes I watch you and see you do it....but stop it. You are beautiful inside and out and should be proud of who you are!"<br />
<br />
Man how empowering was standing there hearing this. The words are locked into my sights...so I just turn up the volume when any doubt starts gearing up. <br />
<br />
I have also found a new inspirational song...<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hl0qf1pgjEs&feature=fvsr">Pink: Fu**in Perfect</a>Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-20809819535118324902011-05-08T09:45:00.001+10:002011-05-08T11:54:23.123+10:00Panning for gold............I can remember as a kid going to Sovereign Hill when it first opened in Ballarat and learning how to pan for gold. The steady rythmic swirling of the pan as you wash away layer after layer of rubbish until you are left with only a spattering of silt and if you are lucky GOLD!!!<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
Well I am panning for gold in my self. I have found enough in the last 90 days of sobriety to indicate that there is a large source within. Wow...as I am typing this my heartrate has just kicked up a notch...this too is a part of my bounty. Noticing these little physical reactions and then finding their source. <br />
<br />
During the past week I have had Three conversations with good friends, and in the midst of chatting I have been struck almost dumb with amazement at one revelation to myself or another. I say revelation because they were real 'light-bulb' moments. <br />
<br />
The first was the realisation and verbalisation of the fact that despite YEARS of denial and dodging and weaving.....I actually do hold the dream of one day finding a life partner. I have tried to brush it off with jockularity and self sabotage because I never really thought I deserved it. Who the hell would want me? (Just typing that brought tears to my eyes...I have such empathy for that person.) So the panic began....the inner whirl of 'happy ever after' versus 'you will never have it'. It resulted in a life time of failed relationships, bad choices, settling for way more than less all because I couldn't see ANY value in myself as a woman.<br />
<br />
I am now torn whether to explain where this all began, because I now know...but the fact that I am hesitant is enough for me to leave it for another time. <br />
<br />
The second was during a call from another friend who, with much sarcasm and irony coated comment, always manages to challenge me by cutting through any bullshit that I may be spewing LOL....and while describing the flirtatious fun I have been having lately he dropped the following bombshell..."here we go again, you get yourself sorted and along comes a bloke and you turn into some needy dependant mess who blindly goes along....etc etc." Thanks for the warning T....a voice of reason sitting on my shoulder....I appreciate it and love you for it. Hearing that was like a giant caution sign. Yep he is right that is what I have done all my life. Do I want to do it again?......NOOOOOOOO!<br />
<br />
And finally number Three. Yesterday was the WORST day I have had for craving a drink! It seemed to come out of nowhere...but of course this is not the case...it came from deep within. Without warning during a convo with another good friend I uttered the following..."I know why I am so jittery and on edge. It's because this is the first time in my life since I was 14 where I have been sober and dealing with an attraction I have for someone. Sex is a reality again and I don't know how to handle it without booze!! I mean the first sexual encounter for me was against my will and at the hands of several...I fell straight into the bottle and stayed there." THE EXACT SECOND that I finished this sentence it felt as if the weight of the world floated off me! <br />
<br />
There it was. Plain as day. Wow...<br />
<br />
And so it begins again.....I have come full circle.....this should be a very interesting ride!Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-20765897849323653472011-05-02T17:55:00.001+10:002011-05-02T17:59:19.977+10:00It's all in the timing....I am sitting here chuckling to myself at the 'goings on' since my last post. <br />
<br />
If I put it all in a time line, it goes like this...<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Planned to take a flirtation up a 'slight' notch by buying someone a gift...<br />
Did a favor for a friend who ultimately placed me in a rather akward situation which I was not impressed about...<br />
Witnessed a perfect display of testosterone driven territory marking and sizing up, which suddenly left me feeling totally confused/amused/chuffed/annoyed at the same time...<br />
Spent two days recovering from the two prior things by cleaning profusely and mulling over why the hell I was so disturbed by it all...<br />
Suddenly recognised that I was actually feeling a stronger attraction for someone than I thought...(one would think the 6-12 months of flirting would have tipped me off LOL)<br />
Didn't trust that so then spent a day and a half trying to dispell it in my head...<br />
Found that I became the most angriest crabbiest bitch during that time...TO EVERYONE...<br />
Couldn't deny it so left the gift as an anonymous surprise...<br />
Spent the next 24 hours pathetically fretting the response...LOL...well I have to be honest...<br />
I won't go into further details apart from saying had a great weekend LOL.<br />
<br />
Which brings me to the problem...Men! <br />
<br />
I will give all you women reading this a few minutes to run through your own thoughts when you see the that written here.....................................Okay. <br />
<br />
I have learnt something else about myself which is that I, myself, am the problem. Not the poor misinformed 15years olds stuck in middle aged bodies!!! Well let me clarify..yes they have problems...but we all do. The key I have discovered is to accept that you can only really ever control yourself and your urges and desires. I have been repeatedly guilty of allowing my girlish instinct of mating for life (humans are wired that way) completely rule my decision making...ALL THE WHILE spruiking to any and all the pitfalls and tribulations of the whole ritual. Thankfully most of my advice is sound...however...I never bothered to listen to any of it myself LOL.<br />
<br />
My newfound sober awareness has enabled me to disect my latest actions and consequences with a fresh view. I still find silly thoughts popping in my head, and they are all grown of insecurity, old fears trying to ignite after a long period of solitude. I call them my girly thoughts...because I find myself surrounded on all levels by women who are exactly the same. The difference is that this time, my priority is ME....and me alone. <br />
<br />
If I look back over my life, at every major turning point there was a relationship beginning or ending. I never developed skills to deal with the dance of relationships...or rather those that I did manage to aquire were shaped by negative things...so the view was always skewed.<br />
<br />
And now here I am again...facing a new life...sober....and low and behold there is a bloke on the scene! Well...I accept that I will have silly girlie thoughts...what I won't do is make them the mainstay of any decisions I make. I have learnt to love logic...basic common sense...as a means of cutting through the emotional 'willy willys' that erupt in my mind. And I recognise that any repetition of past behaviours will only bring the same level of result as the past. Not any more!<br />
<br />
I can honestly say that having worked through all of this, I have come to a place which although feels totally strange and unknown on one level, still has a little familiarity....but now the familiarity is my self...my lifestyle and my future goal of finding total inner peace within. <br />
<br />
Goodbye old fears...and thank you for giving me the experience of mistakes and failure. Without them I would not be driven to succeed.Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-24784217364938170082011-04-28T22:12:00.000+10:002011-04-28T22:12:18.899+10:00Battle weary...but not quite ready to lay down arms just yet...My last post has led me to yet another new place...one that I am not sure I am going to enjoy...but has to be experienced never the less. <br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
Critiquing one's self is such a chore and is an easy task to push quietly under the carpet. I am a prime example of most of humanity's failings...lol...to say the least...but here in my new existence I have made the bold statement that I want to know the real me without booze...and there was no guarantee I was going to like what I found. The challenge is how to turn the crap into gold...or at least something recyclable LOL.<br />
<br />
The past week has highlighted a couple of behavioural habits I have developed over my life. The first is that I am obsessive by nature...but I have a rather unstable attention span, which seems to lock my obsessive qualities onto negative trends for extremely excessive periods of time. Now I haven't quite figured out where this all has stemmed from but it is from my developmental stage involving the opposite sex...in other words puberty. Ahh I feel I am getting close to a major source of instability in my life...and if I can actually pinpoint it...then I can deal with it and move the hell on.<br />
<br />
But I digress...(how unusual). <br />
<br />
My last post involved my concern with my sister and her apparent hurtful traits. After much honest reflection, I realise it was an old reflex which I thought I had dumped and overcome...which was sneaking back in. I am like an elephant...I never forget past hurts...however...being blessed with an evil side to my thought processes (and the phenomenon of bipolar rapid thoughts) I tuck away weapons to pull out and use if enemies and attackers of the past return in an agressive manner. The more pain I felt at the beginning denotes the quantity and hurtfulness of my vast cache of verbal arrows and each one is in direct retaliation to any and all the levels of pain they caused me. <br />
<br />
I have done this for so long I really can't remember when it all started...but it is like a googlebot running through every conversation I have that incites my defence mechanisms. It happens automatically and I am only now acknowledging its depth.<br />
<br />
Well my sister and I had the unusual situation in that she is 20 years older than me and was married when I was 9 months old. We never had the 'normal' sibling rivalry, but we did have it. And it developed from a tit for tat sort of teasing and kicked up into a whole new level when I had my first episode at the age of 15. One of the longest grudges I held onto was about her. It affected the whole family and by succumbing to my own delusions about it all I robbed myself of years of possible happiness and my family as well.<br />
<br />
Well in my being so sensative about every little thing she was saying or doing I suddenly stopped and asked myself....well...what is my role in all this? How does my own behaviour fit in? And there it was...clear as day...I may as well have been 15 years old again!! <br />
<br />
So I choose to disengage. FINALLY!!! It is quite apparent that nothing is going to change between us unless one of us does something different...and as I have recognised this much about the pattern of our relationship, I may as well be the one to kick start the ride. Ahh the cliches are echoing through my head..."catch more flies with honey....", "you reap what you sow", "do unto others..." and the list goes on. But guess what? IT IS WORKING! You put it out there, you get it back. <br />
<br />
Which leads me to my next problem I am now facing....<br />
<br />
But I am going to talk about that in my next post, because I don't quite have it clear enough in my head to write about it coherently yet LOL.Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7719213821368909132.post-86687697951561148902011-04-17T11:12:00.001+10:002011-04-17T11:16:31.652+10:00Wise old sayings....Mum used to always say..."Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see"...now it appears the phrase was originally coined by Benjamin Franklin...however I don't have him sitting on my shoulder all the time LOL.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
<br />
I now tend to relate this to spoken words matching body language when I am talking to people. But it wasn't until this week that I seemed to discover it's importance.<br />
<br />
This week I experienced a sort of snapshot of this very occurence...which led to me going to the bar and ordering a diet coke (all the time willing it to be wine). <br />
<br />
Lunch with the family at the local. I was looking forward to it as my great Neice's and Nephews would be there. As usual there were people there who are regulars and a few of them commented on my weight-loss, which of course is the BEST feeling! <br />
<br />
My Sister, who is a veritable butterfly in the dining area, was fluttering from one table to another catching up with people. I was enjoying a indepth convo with the kids when she came back to our table and said to me, "I was just talking to (unamed couple), they called me over to find out if you are okay because you have lost so much weight. I told them yes, she stopped drinking" (as she gestured with her hand as if she had a glass in it and was drinking). She then went on to add "They thought you may have been sick...you know..." (tapping her temple with her finger).<br />
<br />
My response was to smile and say, "I am always fascinated by how people always think the worst or something bad". My sister, "well I don't think it was negative, she is a compassionate person and only showing concern". <br />
<br />
I then went on to finish lunch and then walk into the bar. I couldn't figure out why I needed a drink and then when I realized I was craving one, I knew I had to find out why. I knew it started after the convo with my sister...so I kept playing it back over and over. <br />
<br />
I recognised that my whole tone of voice and body language changed which made me realise on some level something was wrong, out of balance if you will. What had made me react so strongly? <br />
<br />
Was it what she said? I was inwardly rolling my eyes at her love of grapevine chatter...and after receiving comments like "wow, lookin good...howd ya do it?" during the half hour prior, the whole re-enactment of her conversation prompted a 'ahh yes there is always one' sort of response in me.<br />
<br />
Was it her tone of voice? No there was no unusual inflections that stood out to me.<br />
<br />
Was I being overly sensative? 'Well I have been becoming more and more annoyed at the gossip level about me in town...and my sisters healthy participation in this type of behaviour. Hmm...but my reaction was out of proportion with all that. It was something else...<br />
<br />
Was it how she acted while she said it...body language? As soon as I asked myself this I could see it clearly. The fact that she had to gesture 'drinking' and then tap her head in the 'international symbol of crazy' way as she spoke stood out like the proverbial dog's balls. <br />
<br />
I felt shocked, dismayed, angry, confused, scared all at once. Why would she do that? Body language never lies...is this how she really feels?...does she think I am a nutcase? but goes around telling people how proud she is of me?...Does she do this all the time? Has she always done it? I had a million questions in my head and still do. The first one I want to ask is 'does she realise she is doing it?'<br />
<br />
Now all I have to do is find the best way to get the answer.Lee Condonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05244021458852541849noreply@blogger.com0