T.G.I.F......

I have to say that for various reasons...the past week was a GIANT struggle.

I have spent many hours trying to figure out what the hell made it so difficult but there is no one thing....in fact at times it seemed like EVERYTHING was just shit.


I don't know if it is chemical changes in my brain, or my increased awareness of those around me (to translate...the fact that I am not booze addled all  the time) or what really....well its probably all of those things. The upshot is that on Wednesday and Thursday it took absolutely every fibre of my being to NOT have a drink.

It is hard to explain but I seem to have developed an immense feeling of protection of myself. It is as if I have given birth to a new self and as I created this new being I don't want anything to harm it. It actually goes deeper than this really...it is coming from deep within me and I am finding it quite a challenge to remain calm if I feel that anyone is undermining it.

What I have realised is that the very reasons that drove me to start drinking at the age of 15/16 have resurfaced....only now instead of being a pubescent teenager I am middle aged. Okay so in reality it isn't that they have resurfaced, they were always there...booze was a way of masking it all....so now I realise that all these years have been spent 'not' dealing with certain things.....and now that the door has re opened my first reaction is to fall back on how I dealt with it all last time....32 years ago....which is totally inappropriate for a woman of my age LOL.

We are all the sum total of our pasts. It is what makes us who we are and it is the reason we react and respond to any given situation as we do......and the fun part is that every single person is experiencing the same thing whether they realise it or not. This is the dance of social interaction....and it never ends.

Puberty for me was awful for many reasons....however the one that is relevant today is my feeling of not being heard...a feeling that my voice wasn't worth listning to. I came to this conclusion when members of my family repeatedly cut me off mid sentence, finished it for me and then turned around and pointed out where I was wrong and followed this up with directives peppered with the word 'should'. Decisions were made on my behalf without my knowledge or input and this produced feelings within me of frustration, anger, doubt and resentment. ( I will go further into the story of 'should' another day)

Now I am quite positive that most teenager feel this way. But now that I am 47 and feeling these emotions again for the same reasons, refuse to put up with it. How can I solve the problem? I understand I can't control what others are like...but I can control me. It isn't easy....I need to conciously be pro-active rather than reactive....and there are times where I am not successful. But I will keep trying.

I am now an adult, with a voice and opinions like everyone else. Why certain people feel the need to speak on my behalf, offer opinions on my behalf, finish my sentences for me is quite beyond me. On top of the emotional feelings of self doubt it creates, it is just plain RUDE!

One big difference now is that rather than shutting down and bottling these feelings, which is what I ultimately did as a youth, I know it is not healthy to do so. Over the years I learnt to speak up in my defense against any form of attack, I fought to have a voice even though for most of my life I really didn't think I was worth it. Now I DO think I am worth it and it would seem that some of those around me are themselves finding it difficult to deal with the changes I am experiencing. The bottom line is....that is 'their' problem...not mine. But in saying that....it doesn't mean that I will sit idly by and put up with 'their' behaviours if they begin to encroach on my wellbeing.

I have spent many hours this week deciphering all of these things and have fallen back on logic once again to help deal with it. Rather than letting emotions rule...I have pin pointed actual behaviours that trigger negative feelings in me...and I in turn am trying to modify my own behaviours in response.

For example, if I am in a social situation and participating in conversations as one does...and someone ( I am really referring to one specific person now) jumps in mid way thru me speaking to either finish the sentence for me...or decides that they can orate better than me....or in some cases feels the need to answer questions on my behalf despite me being present.....I am going to try and remain calm and instead of losing my temper I am going to let them go....and when they are finished...I will ask them why they felt the need to do it. It will be interesting to hear the answers I think. The key here is to ASK them questions about why they do it. What do they feel when they do it? How do they think it will assist me? I really want to know..it is fascintating. Does it give them a feeling of control? Does it fullfill some inner need to be involved? Do they feel that they gain some noteriety or sense of achievement by infiltrating my contributions to the verbal interaction? I really don't know. Oh I know that I will hear words such as...I love you....you are family....etc etc....which is all true.....however, I don't believe that this is in turn negates any need to maintain social ettiquette and politeness.

So as the week draws to a close...I sit here proud of myself for not weakening, not giving in to negative feelings and believing in myself.  There was a moment on Wednesday where I could actually envision myself just exploding, lashing out and just letting emotion take over. But I didn't. There was no total meltdown, I managed to reign it all in, decipher it...and now have a plan of action.

It feels good.