I can see where it is dangerous...because all of a sudden I have to find things to do to fill in this time. So I have to be careful....it could be one of these lulls in activity during the day that I weaken. The easiest way of course to take care of this is to fill the day with other activities. I sort of have a mental list of options along the lines of:
- take the dog for a walk
- take the cat for a walk
- vacuum the house
- find some cleaning to do
- watch a movie
- play on the internet
- work on my savings plan
- call a friend
- go visit someone
- brush the dog
- go into town window shopping
- go to the pub for a chat
- and of course I could pick one of the major cleanup jobs like sort out the wardrobe, clean the pantry, clean the oven etc etc.
These are basically in order of preference too and as you can see....going to the pub is at the bottom of the list. Before I opened this door to a new life the first 5 places would have been taken up with 'have a wine'.
Another thing happened yesterday too, I received a call from a counsellor at the local Mental Health Clinic here, following up a visit I had with them about 3 weeks ago. I told her what had been happening and she wanted to give me the contact details for AA. I told her I didn't want them and if I did change my mind I would go there myself. She asked me why?
It is a personal decision based on many things. I have been to AA meetings in the past, I have also attended a similar 12 step program for Bipolar sufferers. I am sorry to say that I cannot give my life over to a higher power. For a start I am sceptical there IS a higher power so there is no way I am giving myself to something I don't trust.
I believe the power is within. I believe that if you can get to a place in your life where you can honestly 'know' yourself...your strengths and weaknesses...your cababilities...your desires...your needs. If you can look back on your entire life and forgive yourself for mistakes....forgive yourself for making bad choices....congratulate yourself on achievements and decisions that worked out well....you are on your way to a better life.
I spent my life quite literally doubting and disliking myself and wishing I could be different. I have,, and quite possibly will, feel disassociated with the world all the time. My sense of self worth or self esteem ended up tangled in a matted mess of self image, trying to fit in, wanting to be accepted and trying to be someone I wasn't, feeling a lesser person, feeling like I was never good enough, like I was damaged goods oh the list could go on but I am finding the negativity a little disturbing. The upshot is....these feelings and beliefs I held led me repeatedly into situations where I was not taking responsibility for myself or my actions...I relinquished all of this to others...I cloaked myself in denial and pretended life was good.
I have often quoted my Mother..."To thine own self always be true." The ironic thing is until now, I have never actually demonstrated and lived this. But it is quite powerful that statement....to be true to yourself you must believe in yourself...and to belive in something you must trust it....admire it...and embrace it.
Well I trust that I have the intelligence to recognise and acknowledge my mistakes of the past....I admire my determination to reward myself with a different, new life unencumbered with the demons of my life so far....and I embrace the increasing positivity and happiness I am feeling and my desire to continue growing into myself. I suppose one could say it is rather late in life to finally come to this place...but to quote my Mother again..."the only time it is ever too late to do anything....is when you are dead."
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