Went shopping today and accepted the thought of buying a bottle of wine.....but didn't.
The post title says I lost my temper....this happened yesterday. I was angry....so I raised my voice. The target of my anger was a person I am trying to excise from my life, however they keep trying to worm their way back in.
I admit some of the anger I felt was directed at myself for continuing to pander to the seemingly never-ending attempts by this person to stay in my life. However I am sick of trying to reason and also defend my personal position. It just isn't working. Sooo....I opened the door of my anger room and for a couple of minutes let the contents fall out....I slammed it shut as soon as I heard him say...."ahh now you are angry you have played straight into my hands."
Now rather than belt myself up for displaying anger, I accept that I did it. It is done. After all, anger is a valid emotion. It's how you deal with it that counts.
Over the weekend I spent time reading back over all of my old blog posts from 2011. If you too have read them you will have seen that there was a person back then who had piqued my female interest. It was strange reading how I described my feelings back then. Fast forward to now and that same person is the one I am removing from my life.
This blog is about me...so I am not going to list grievances about wrong doings by others towards me, instead I am writing my lessons learned and challenges met.
This is what I have learned so far.
*For some reason I have lived most of my life believing that I am somehow 'faulty'...I am not faulty, just human with emotions that sometimes get the better of me. This puts me in the same category as everyone else. This is good.
*I am tired of living to other people's standards, only because I have chosen many times, to surround myself with those who have low ones. Mine are higher it turns out. Thank goodness I have learned this finally.
*Mistakes are steps to improvement, not a flaw. Insanity is making the same mistake over and over again and expecting a different result. I am not insane.
*Change is not easy. It is a challenge that I have met before and will continue to meet until my end. It is up to me whether to meet it head on or make a sideways attack as some changes need a different approach to others. Whichever method I choose, I will make any change that will bring me a healthier, happier life.
This is a healthy fear...a valid fear...one to be acknowledged and one to be faced...and I am putting my inner guard dog on patrol for my future. Nothing and nobody will stand between me and my life of peace again.:)
This includes all my addictions, my harming habits and the inertia of denial.
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