As an exercise, I read my 100 day post from 2011 this morning....wow...I am in a totally different place inside this time. You see back then, I was relying on 'other people' to make me feel worthy, or viable. This is a dangerous place to be and yet, quite understandable for one who despite the bravado was totally insecure and had little self esteem.
So much has happened since then, and ironically the person who I had chosen to be the one to seek approval and acceptance from, was in fact the one who lead me back to where I am today...and sadly the journey was not what I hoped it would be.
I was vulnerable but couldn't see how much, my beacon at the time could see it...perfect bait. I took it hook line and sinker. My intentions were so full of hope and trust and love, and I am proud of being able to share that part of myself. I will never lose that, however I will raise the standards of requirement for anyone citing words of encouragement and the like in the future. The first person I must gauge in this manner is myself. I raise my own standards of what I want from myself and in my life. They do say that the change must start with us......well it is true. As Dr Phil says, "you can't change what you don't acknowledge."
During the five years since my last attempt, I have had my trust shattered by several people who I believed to have my best interests at heart. They say a persons true colors are exposed in times of great upheaval or disaster and I have seen this and believe it is true. However, I accept that everyone is different, and when face with immense stress or sadness or fear, we all rely on whatever we have at the time to get through.
So I forgive them all really, and most of all, I forgive myself. I am certainly not perfect, and I certainly doubt anyone who says that they are haha. But I am brave enough to critique myself honestly, with love and compassion, which I so wish I could have done years ago.
Ahh but that would be too easy lol. To repeat a phrase that a dear friend and I often say..."you can't put an old head on young shoulders."
In any case, today is a HUGE celebration for me. 100 days...only another 21.3333 and I will have reached a third of a year :) I am damn proud of what I have done, and nothing and no-one can take it away from me. It is mine, I did it, I chose to do it, and I did it.
Whosagoodgirlllllllllllllllll?.......ME :)
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