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Monday, October 3, 2016

111 Days.....still going okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today marks 111 days.

The last weekend was the AFL Grand Final weekend and or the first time in 111 days I allowed alcohol into my home. I do regret it as its presence seeped into the backblocks of my brain-box and by this morning I was having the biggest booze cravings I have ever had. It brought with it flashbacks to dark times, self loathing, not good shit at all...queue the PTSD type reactions that are associated with it all.

Last night I was over emotional, edgy, and so upped the dose of my night med to hopefully let me sleep well, given my state, and even with them (they normally knock me off my arse and drag me into sleep within half an hour, only to leave me with a med hangover for hours the next day after at least 12 hours sleep)....even with them, I still couldn't drift off until after midnight and was awake at 8.

I then was invited to lunch, which normally doesn't worry me, however I said no. I explained why I couldn't go, because I would only sit there listening to the voices in my head argue over the harm or lack of harm only one glass would have, and ultimately this would amp up the jitters within me.

The minute I hung up the phone, after declining the invite....I felt it....the cloud lifted...the weight was gone...and it was replaced by relative calm.

What have I taken from this experience? Firstly, good on me for recognising what was happening to me...Secondly, good on me for protecting my intentions so well and honestly....and Thirdly, good on me for my choice to not add to what was happening within.

There are no more grand finals now...nor are there occasions special enough to warrant my 'dry house' rule to be lifted. My life, my way is my motto...my home, my rules is my law.

Maybe one day I will be able to allow this 'dry house' to be dampened by others drinking if they want to....but not yet... I AM NOT READY...and I guess if the people I invite aren't happy with that, then they don't have to come in....its okay by me. Each to their own, and me to mine :)




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