120 DAYS.....totally dry!!!

Almost one third of a year!

I am flying along on the wings of sobriety. No cravings, no urges for any alcohol at all and I am enjoying the clarity that this brings.

Unfortunately I have come down with some flu of sorts which has rendered me fatigued with total body aches. It is shitful. I have no energy at all, thinking is an effort let alone doing anything.

It has smashed my mood down to an uncomfortably low level, however, rather than wave the Bipolar flag, I am aware that even 'normal' people feel this way while suffering from this bug. It is not helped by the seemingly relentless communications that are coming my way from certain quarters who will not accept the changes I am choosing to make in my life.

I could write a totally separate blog about emotional connections and disconnects, but instead I can recognise that my drinking and emotional upheavals were firmly entwined. It is actually the source of my alcoholism. I reached for a 'drink' to soothe an emotional landslide at the age of 15, and that is where it began. You see it is one thing to have a drink or a few too many and end up drunk...but it is the 'reason' for having it that makes the difference between being an alcoholic or not. Well that is my opinion in any case.

Some see it as a rite of passage, of 'growing up', of being an adult or to fit in with your peers, to be socially accepted. That is our culture and it has been for hundreds of years. For some it may in fact start that way, but at some point, you pour another one because 'you have had a bad day' or 'you are sad' or 'everything is giving you the shits'. Sometimes you find that 'people start laughing at your jokes more' and you feel special, or that you 'fit in better'. That is when it can change.

My reason was that I felt totally out of control. I experienced a complete break down of trust in my whole world and as a teenager with no self esteem, could not process it at all. So I wanted to block it out...with whiskey. It worked as long as I kept the buzz going. Well so I thought, of course now I can see it just blurred it all into a maze of whirling thoughts that steadily increased speed until it was invisible to me.

Here I am now at the age of 53, looking back and recognising it and I want to reach out to that young girl, who felt lost and alone, abandoned and confused and tell her that I care. Sadly for so long I didn't. I didn't care because it felt like the ones I depended upon didn't either. This manifested into my deep seated belief that I wasn't worth caring about. How sad is that!! But it's true.

Fortunately I care now. I care about me. I want the best for me. I forgive me. I accept me. I like me.

111 Days.....still going okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Today marks 111 days.

The last weekend was the AFL Grand Final weekend and or the first time in 111 days I allowed alcohol into my home. I do regret it as its presence seeped into the backblocks of my brain-box and by this morning I was having the biggest booze cravings I have ever had. It brought with it flashbacks to dark times, self loathing, not good shit at all...queue the PTSD type reactions that are associated with it all.

Last night I was over emotional, edgy, and so upped the dose of my night med to hopefully let me sleep well, given my state, and even with them (they normally knock me off my arse and drag me into sleep within half an hour, only to leave me with a med hangover for hours the next day after at least 12 hours sleep)....even with them, I still couldn't drift off until after midnight and was awake at 8.

I then was invited to lunch, which normally doesn't worry me, however I said no. I explained why I couldn't go, because I would only sit there listening to the voices in my head argue over the harm or lack of harm only one glass would have, and ultimately this would amp up the jitters within me.

The minute I hung up the phone, after declining the invite....I felt it....the cloud lifted...the weight was gone...and it was replaced by relative calm.

What have I taken from this experience? Firstly, good on me for recognising what was happening to me...Secondly, good on me for protecting my intentions so well and honestly....and Thirdly, good on me for my choice to not add to what was happening within.

There are no more grand finals now...nor are there occasions special enough to warrant my 'dry house' rule to be lifted. My life, my way is my motto...my home, my rules is my law.

Maybe one day I will be able to allow this 'dry house' to be dampened by others drinking if they want to....but not yet... I AM NOT READY...and I guess if the people I invite aren't happy with that, then they don't have to come in....its okay by me. Each to their own, and me to mine :)